I grew up in your average middle class home in white America. I don't mean to imply that domestic violence only exists in a subculture, in fact, that is my point. I was beaten with a paddle fashioned with holes, for more impact, by my father. He kicked me, bloodied my nose, split my lip, pushed me, threatened me, belittled me, disregarded me, did not love me, isolated me, blamed me, lied about me, slapped me, abandoned me, tortured me physically, mentally and socially. He terrified me, causing untreated gastric upset, trauma, stress, and fear. He pulled his wife into his scheme, which she seemed to enjoy. He manipulated his brothers and sisters into believing that I was the problem. When school staff saw the bruises he and his wife left on me, he lied, and threatened me with my life that I lie, as well. No one had a clue what was happening to me behind his closed doors. If my family believed him, so too, would the police. If my teachers believed him, so too, would nurses and doctors. He did all of this to me before my 16th birthday. One family member, my uncle, did believe me, and took me in, in a different city. The abuse perpetrated by my father was coming to light, his mask was slipping, so he upped his campaign, and began telling family that I was a bad seed, born of my crazy mother. To this day, this is what some of his family believe, when in fact, his emotional manipulation of my mother drove her to drink and subsequently take her life.
The reason I pointed out the fact that my father is white and middle class is because in our country, domestic violence carries a certain stigma, a racial and socioeconomic stigma. I am here to tell you that abuse does not discriminate, and neither should society. Look beyond the pretty lawns and cookie cutter homes of suburbia, open the door wide and step inside. People who live in homes like mine are less inclined to leave with outside assistance because no one believes that this story could be true in a "family like that". That is just as dangerous as assuming that a black man in a lesser socioeconomic environment must be abusive.
Understand this, abuse is an equal opportunity destroyer. When someone tells you that they need help, they have already grappled with their reality; that they may not be believed, that their abuser has already "smear campaigned" them to EVERYONE, the fear of being discovered by their abuser, the depth of the truth surrounding them, their abuser is not capable of love, this is about control, the illusion is just that, illusion. They have gone through the stages of grief that the person they love is a monster. They have been stripped bare and asking for help is the last resort. Believe them. Do research for them. Help them. They, for a hundred reasons, don't want to ask, they have to. Help them.
Evil prevails when good men do nothing.
Deannalynn Arzola
#NoMore
