“Happy”

Words and music by Bruce Springsteen

Some need gold and some need diamond rings

Or a drug to take away the pain that living brings

Promise of a better world to come

When whatever here is done

I don't need that sky of blue, babe

All I know since I found you

I'm happy when I'm in your arms

Happy, darling, come the dark

Happy when I taste your kiss

I'm happy in a love like this

There's a house upon a distant hill

Where you can hear the laughter of children ring

Guardian angels, they watch from above

Guarding over the love that they bring

But at night I feel the darkness near

And I awake and I find you near

I'm happy with you in my arms

Happy with you in my heart

Happy when I taste your kiss

I'm happy in a love like this

In a world of doubt and fear

I wake at night and reach to find you near

Lost in a dream, you caught me as I fell

I want more than just a dream to tell

Born in this world, darling, with few days

And trouble never far behind

Man and woman circle each other in a cage

A cage that's been handed down the line

Lost and running 'neath a million dead stars

Tonight let's shed our skins and slip these bars

Happy in each other's arms

Happy baby, come the dark

Happy in each other's kiss

I’m happy in a love like this…

“Unhappy”

Words and music by Deannalynn Arzola

Just kidding. Sort of…

Ya know, after all this time, and all of the thorough attention I have paid to every lesson, ei; disaster, I still find myself on the quintessential confusing roller coaster from hell. It’s the same one I’ve been riding my whole life. The only thing is that on all those rides past, I could disembark whenever I chose to. This particular ride, not so much...I keep trying to get off, like when you have that dream in which you’re screaming at the ride operator to stop, you’re getting sick, but the words have no sound. That dreadful silent scream. No one can hear me. I’m begging the Universe to just get me through the rest of my life with no more pain or disappointment. I truly do study the stars. I pay attention to the signs. I keep thinking I’m doing what I’m supposed to, but here’s what it really comes down to. From the start of this ride, I’ve been fully consumed with the enjoyment of the rider sitting next to me. Even when the ride was so intense, I had to get off, he would grab my arm and say no. I mean, don’t get me wrong, there have been times I have gleefully hopped into the seat next to him, just to remind myself that I am still alive and there have been times when I screamed, and he did hear me, and he answered, and for a minute, I felt okay, but I’m sure I have explained my concerns in regard to the ride, several times in fact, so I know he knows how I feel about this ride. Anyway, this is about me and what I want. Something I never give regard to. I know that when I do walk away from our ride, I feel almost as bad, if not worse than when I was on it. I know that when I walk away, I try to get on another ride with someone else and that never works out either, because, one, rider A is texting me while I’m on a different ride with rider B, or two, rider B turns out to be the biggest douchebag there is, even though you’ve known him forever and had no clue whatsoever that he was such a douchebag!!! And let’s not forget that all throughout the amusement park, there are fortune tellers proclaiming magic, and being the godless, optimist I am, I inquire each and every one. “Oh, my child, pay attention to the signs, they are not coincidences.” “My little babushka, you must look to your past to clear way for your future.” “Ah, I see in your future (and your past) a plethora of scorpions. Stop asking to be stung, my child.” “Oh, my dear, yes, I do see this tall, fair man, over and over again. You face such struggle on your path (and she explains that she says “path” because she sees that we have been walking down the same one, our damage almost the same) because you keep getting it wrong. You must fix things with him in THIS life.” So I try. I pay attention, like I have a choice, to the bombardment of signs I receive, every day. I try to hang in there because I believe that I am doing that which I have been charged. I am usually pretty satisfied with my person’s happiness and the fact that just knowing he is here, in my crazy, turbulent, fucked up world is what’s keeping me sane. I keep believing that he knows why I do the stupid things I do, because he is aware of my damage and therefore understands. I keep thinking I know his, and thusly understand his misgivings as well. I keep thinking he he gets that about me. So why in the fuck, with all of that beautiful knowledge on our plates would he still choose to hurt me? What’s funny is it takes allot for him to hurt me, but the things he does that do are really small. What the fuck am I doing??? Will somebody please tell me what the fuck? Oh, I don’t know why I would anticipate an answer. The ones that are coming from the Universe point directly to him. I don’t know what to do with that because I believe very much in my faith and doubting it could cost me dearly. I can be gone from him for months. He will call. I will come running. And the cycle begins again. It’s euphemism heaven; the carousel never stops turning, the ferris wheel never stops spinning, the roller coaster never stops beckoning.

My beautiful Beloved, if you are reading this, will you just be as nice to me as I am to you??? That would solve all my problems. Perhaps you can tell me what yours are so we can knock those sons of bitches out, as well.

DeAnna

My Dearest Beloved,

There are a million words written over the centuries that tell our story. There are songs I hear that do the same. And, I as a writer have my own. This, however, my love, truly was written with us in mind...
“I love you not only for what you are, but for what I am when I am with you. I love you not only for what you have made of yourself, but for what you are making of me. I love you for the part of me that you bring out.”

-Elizabeth Barrett Browning

Thank you for helping me become the person I need to be for the people I love, and for myself.

-DeAnna

The Leap Forward Hi Deannalynnarzola. The Ace of Swords has a murky gray foundation representing the need for clarity. There are large clouds, full of moisture and storms, in the distance, which represents something unclear. A mysterious unknown brings mental conflict. The swords represent thought and mental awareness, pointing upward towards the heavens as if asking for clarity. The Archetype is wearing a decorative crown representing the ego, which represents their passions and desires to start their new venture. There are mountains in the background with a dusting of snow, representing the harsh time of the year and a goal that seems far away, but the mountains are not far away, they are close and although the Swords do not have timing in my deck, the distance of the mountains represents the timing of this card. The Sword cuts deeply through a situation because of its great strength and force. There is a need to focus, concentrate and stay balanced and logical in order to make the right decision. My interpretation of the Ace of Swords The Ace of Swords is numerated number one (1) and represents the beginning of the suit of Swords. The Ace represents the seed of thought that is growing in your mind about looming choices. There is a strong message to be clear about your intentions before starting any new ventures. I call the Ace of Swords the new beginning and new direction card. The Aces in the Tarot are very spiritual and represents the awakening of a change. My great – grandmother said the Aces are the controlling cards of the Tarot and she also said the Swords will test your mind and strength until you prove you are ready! Your long awaited dream is connected to the universe and the heavens and one is asking for clarity about the new direction they feel is on the horizon. The Ace of Swords represents bravery and further suggests that you need not be afraid to take that leap into something as long as it is in your best interests. The Ace of Swords also rules our ability to be assertive, honest, of precise judgment, and not easily swayed by others. The Sword will cut through the gray clouds to find truth and clarity in any situation. My personal feelings about the Ace of Swords Have you ever been at a point in your life where you needed to make an important decision about your life and its direction? It may have involved starting a new venture, something especially for you that you really loved doing. Your new venture is one of the most important key issues in your life, and you feel deep in your soul that it will bring you happiness and success. You know you absolutely love the idea of this new venture, and you believe in yourself and can see your dream becoming a reality because you have a natural talent for this skill. Your excitement leads you to share your thoughts with the people that are close to you. You are ready to put your heart into this new idea and get the ball rolling, and you attain respect from a person that believes in you and can see your dream as strongly as you do. In this moment, your new venture it becomes the most important goal in your life, and this is the connection to the Ace of Swords and the new beginning that is right in front of you. The seed that is growing in your mind propels you to start this new venture. With Love And Joy, Safina *I received this at the same time I was given my new shift. I know my beloved believes in my dream, glad I got that. I want this posted for perpetuity. Today is the first day of my dream being put into motion. Blessed be to my supporters... The rest of you should know of my power, just so you're prepared...

Beloved,

This is one of those moments when I so badly want to express my feelings to you. I feel verbally reticent, as I do, but these words inside my head, my heart, my soul simply have to be recorded for perpetuity. I want you to hear these words.
This conversation we had tonight, in regards to your daughter is affecting on so many levels. I want you to know what I take away from it and let seep very deeply in my mind the picture I see when I hear your words and the way you refer to her to me. (You know, and you're the only person who needs to)

Number one, I see you love. We've talked about this. (One of my favorite things about you is your ability to forgive me so purely and completely) I am not surprised about this at all. I have seen you love for as long as I've known you. People who do not know you thought they were doing me a favor when they said things like, "He does not love you, cannot love you, will never love you. He's incapable". And perhaps they were, because I argued with every single one of them, every step of the way. I fought, not just for your character, but for my own understanding of who you are, what it looks like when you love someone and what it looks like when you don't. Understanding clearly that what we have is indefinable, I have never felt that you do not love me. You are consistently there for me, you are able to forgive my transgressions, you are keenly aware how fucked up I am, but you understand why. I have seen how hurt you are by my actions, sometimes my words. There is allot of passion behind your anger with me. You made me a promise. I know you wouldn't have done that if you didn't intend to keep it. You trust me. And, my love, the sticky note. I used to walk by that note everyday and wonder why it was still there, no longer able to stick to your cubicle, tethered by a push pin, a push pin on which you hung your gear. I believed in the beginning that it was your way of keeping me posted. I believed that it meant something special to you. It had to. It was in plain view (You know), for a very long time. It's how I knew who you loved and who you didn't. It never really mattered what anyone else said on the subject. I knew. And you knew how to let me know.
I could almost say that I didn't think it was possible to love you more than I did then. I love you more today than I ever have. To witness your heart at work, to hear your words, to feel how much you love her. (You know)
Number two: I truly believe with all of my being that bringing her into this world is the best thing that has ever happened to you and I understand so empirically why. My knowing that the two of you will love one another unconditionally, eternally brings me such a sense of wonder. It's crazy, it's why I know you're my other half, because I am a selfish bitch, but there is not one ounce of that inside of me at all. God I'm glad I know you, still. And I can see the kind of love you are capable of, as I've said all along. I have no doubt that I will be aware of this forever. As I have and do, I will stand on file on that til the end of time.
I love you more every day, Five. It's a bond I know will continue to strengthen. It's a relationship of the soul and that's different from any other relationship I've ever experienced. It's more than lust, it's more than friendship. It's indefinable. 
I know you know I love you. I know you're good with that. I know you know I get you. I know it's from the start to the finish. I know it's the best thing ever that she's here. If I ever did doubt you for a minute, just know, I get that you have proven me wrong, exponentially and let me tell you, my beloved, never have I been so happy to be such an idiot.

Perpetually,
DeAnn

                                                            "Strange Magic"
                                                                    -by ELO

You're sailing softly through the sun
in a broken stone age dawn.
You fly so high.

I get a strange magic,
oh, what a strange magic,
oh, it's a strange magic.
Got a strange magic,
got a strange magic.

You're walking meadows in my mind,
making waves across my time,
oh no, oh no.

I get a strange magic,
oh, what a strange magic,
oh, it's a strange magic.
Got a strange magic,
got a strange magic.

Oh, I'm never gonna be the same again,
now I've seen the way it's got to end,
sweet dream, sweet dream.

Strange magic,
oh, what a strange magic,
oh, it's a strange magic.
Got a strange magic,
got a strange magic.

It's magic, it's magic, it's magic.

Strange magic,
oh, what a strange magic,
oh, it's a strange magic.
Got a strange magic.

Strange magic STRANGE MAGIC
oh, what a strange magic STRANGE MAGIC
oh, it's a strange magic.
Got a strange magic.

Strange magic STRANGE MAGIC
oh, what a strange magic STRANGE MAGIC
oh, it's a strange magic.
Got a strange magic,
got a strange magic,
you know I got a strange magic,
yeah, I got a strange magic,
oo-o-o-oo, strange magic. 

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=KJbzmryUN5Q

One Art

BY ELIZABETH BISHOP

The art of losing isn’t hard to master;

so many things seem filled with the intent

to be lost that their loss is no disaster.

Lose something every day. Accept the fluster

of lost door keys, the hour badly spent.

The art of losing isn’t hard to master.

Then practice losing farther, losing faster:

places, and names, and where it was you meant

to travel. None of these will bring disaster.

I lost my mother’s watch. And look! my last, or

next-to-last, of three loved houses went.

The art of losing isn’t hard to master.

I lost two cities, lovely ones. And, vaster,

some realms I owned, two rivers, a continent.

I miss them, but it wasn’t a disaster.

—Even losing you (the joking voice, a gesture

I love) I shan’t have lied. It’s evident

the art of losing’s not too hard to master

though it may look like (Write it!) like disaster.

Moving forward...

Seems to me, 2014 has been the year of living reminiscently. As I have been introduced to new demons and reintroduced to old ones, I have learned more about them and why they sometimes rear their ugly heads, unexpectedly. I've learned how to slay the ones I can and keep at bay the ones I can't, and more importantly, how the love gained in the knowledge is such a game changer.
Those demons have allot to do with what we become in this life, but that's all the credit due. The rest belongs to those of us who persevere. 
I have learned the art of love at the other end of the battle. A good thing, as love was not something I was generally familiar with throughout my life. For those of us who aren't, it is the winning of the battle that makes the way for that love.

Moving forward is no longer about healing the wounds of my past. It's about using the knowledge I have picked up along the way and swimming in the ocean of love I now find myself immersed in.
Just keep me tethered to your buoy, as that feeling of impending loss will probably never leave me, and know that you can join me for a swim anytime, the water's fine...

-DeAnna Lynn Arzola

Wonderland...

Wonderland has long been my favorite word in the English language. Many people know this about me. They gift me their personal copies of "Alice's Adventures in Wonderland" and "Through the Looking Glass". These are gifts I cherish.
I was first introduced to Alice the way most of us were; Disney. As I got older and became more familiar with literature, I, of course, read Carroll's books. In high school, when I was very high, I watched the film again and thought, Wow, Disney is a freak. His interpretation of the novels left me with the impression that little girls get high on hallucinogenics at a very young age and discover themselves through their trip. The freak part comes from Disney's choice to animate his interpretation and market it to children.
I never really gave Alice much thought after that, but I've always loved the way the word Wonderland just rolls off the tongue in perfect verse and syllable...Wonderland.
Last year, about this time, I received another copy of Carroll's novels, both, in one. Not long after, I began to understand the purpose of finding yourself in another person. I don't mean in that Let me get lost inside of you thing. I mean meeting and knowing the people who carry your reflection inside of them and that that is what it takes to really get to the bottom of things. In "Alice", our protagonist meets the folks who provide her the tools she needs to grow. The Caterpillar, a literal symbol of transformation, teaches Alice how to cope with change, the Cat teaching her to roll with flow, with change. The Mad Hatter is her antagonist, but he still makes Alice face herself, and he shows her that time is perpetual, yet subjective. I love that! The one thing I don't like about the story is Alice's interaction with the Queen. Some analysts have said that the queen represents the antithesis of logic and that logic must surely win out. I think the queen represents to Alice the differences in people and that they each offer something different in our lives. The queen introduces Alice to a different perception of people, such as the different persona the Queen espouses, some sort of madness (or genius), yet she does rule Wonderland.
My favorite Carroll story is "Trough the Looking Glass". All of Alice's friends have prepared her for this transformation on her journey through Wonderland. "Looking Glass" is a story we should all consume, voraciously, as it is a fine guide to going back to the past, facing the ugliest images, and coming out on top in the end, a beautiful reward for having done the work. In "Looking Glass", Alice encounters several members of the monarchy, surely an analogy for the adults in our lives and the way they hold control of our childhood thoughts, actions and emotions, their colors representing a specific characteristic within Alice herself. For a moment, she is held prisoner by The Red Knight, the White Knight arriving to banish the red one, the fury. They walk together, Alice and her white knight, on a path that leads them across a river where Alice is crowned Queen, a reward, again for having done the work. 
A looking glass is a mirror offering us a reflection we must all deal with. It is the mirror to our soul, our memories, our past, our darkness.
I imagine all good fairy tales have to end with a "white knight" rescuing a damsel in distress, however, these two stories are very complex. They are a good read in adulthood. Trust me, you will see the story very differently. But that is what life is all about. When we are children, other people are in control of our circumstances. Those people don't always wield that power with compassion and once we enter young adulthood, we have a steamer trunk full of damage, and like any old trunk full of junk, it must subsequently be gone through. We see things very differently, once we are in control of our own lives. My metaphoric trunk consists of a looking glass, a mirror, amongst the scattered pieces of my life, and as I sift through the damage of my past, I step through my looking glass, where on the other side, I find my Mad Hatter, who keeps my time for me, tuning his pocket watch, finely, to my specific needs, as I journey through my rabbit hole, periodically spinning me around so I can face the reflection, and helping me gather the tools I need to tend my garden.
I don't choose the hatter to lead me through my Wonderland because of his ability to keep my time subjective, either. It is because he is mad. As we all are, or most of us, anyway. Just as Alice tells him, "All the best people are.", I concur. I think that's what drove Alive down the rabbit hole in the first place. She went looking for something...
She found it, in the madness that is Wonderland, as we do...

by Deannalynn Arzola 

                            "Song For A Winter's Night"

[Written and first sung by Gordon Lightfoot in 1975]

The lamp is burnin' low upon my table top
The snow is softly fallin'
The air is still within the silence of my room
I hear your voice softly callin'

If I could only have you near
To breathe a sigh or two
I would be happy just to hold the hands I love
Upon this winter night with you

The smoke is rising in the shadows overhead
My glass is almost empty
I read again between the lines upon the page
The words of love you sent me

If I could know within my heart
That you were lonely too
I would be happy just to hold the hands I love
Upon this winter night with you

The fire is dying now, my lamp is growing dim
The shades of night are liftin'
The mornin' light steals across my windowpane
Where webs of snow are driftin'

If I could only have you near
To breathe a sigh or two
I would be happy just to hold the hands I love
And to be once again with with you
To be once again with with you

Preformed by Sarah McLachlan

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=G0vSA5_8J0M