Sociopathy and Addiction

I wrote about this very early on in my sociopathic love affair in my post , "Addiction". 
I've often wondered why it has been so difficult to walk away. I've often equated this love affair with my addiction to narcotic pain medication. The only difference is that the day I woke up and decided to stop taking the meds, they didn't say to me, "Are you sure you wanna walk away?", as my sociopath did, every time I tried. 
Having overcome my addiction to opiates, I have occasionally partaken, and I am now strong enough to take the medication responsibly, however, I believe this is not the case when your addiction is a person. 
There is a very sensible reason behind the term, "No contact". It's sad, unfortunate, but necessary. 
This photo comes from Pinterest.com, posted by Michelle Duran (NARC Files, Case #C469) from the blog, Karin's World (Narcissistic Sociopath Part 14)

-Deannalynn Arzola 

Ten Rules For Keeping Psychopaths Out of Your Life by Jay Anthony

http://www.lovefraud.com/2015/11/21/10-rules-for-keeping-psychopaths-and-cluster-bs-out-of-your-life/

The Best Advice

                      The Best Advice 


I was thinking about some of the best advice anyone ever gave me; I'll get to that in a moment. 
As I sit here reconciling the darker parts of my human experience, it occurs to me why most people are so shocked by the things humans can do to one another. Everyone lies a little. Everyone manipulates a little. Everyone has at one time or another, taken something that did not belong to them. Many partners slip up and give in to temptation, cheating on their beloved. Yes, their beloved. 
That being said, I find it is not in average human nature to lie about everything. It's not in our nature to intentionally manipulate situations in our favor, with reckless abandon. It is not in our nature to present to the world a polished existence while behind closed doors, evil runs rampant. It is in our nature to abolish evil, to actually repair damage rather than perpetuate it, deceptively. 
When the average human witnesses this aforementioned negative behavior, we are shocked. It is in the reconciliation of said shock that we learn, and if having been a victim of said behavior, we begin to heal. Unfortunately, we tend to resurface with a hardened heart, but that is through no fault of our own; it's just a negative subsequence that goes along with the rest of the damage left in the wake of those who do harm with no concept of consequence. 
We want to shove that experience in a box and get past it, which brings me back to that eloquent advice, "You can't get past that type of grief, dear. You must get through it." 
Yes, we are the ones that have to fumble our way through their bullshit, but that just makes us stronger and wiser and eminently better than them. And we'll pass on the knowledge of them, so as to minimize their victim pool. And we will be blessed and rewarded and happy. So guess what? 
We win! 

-Deannalynn Arzola 

Love Songs for a Sociopath (I know, it's antithetical to have the words 'love' and 'sociopath' in the same sentence, but...)

After very recently saying goodbye
to my sociopath, I compiled a playlist that helped me get through the dark times, the moments when I just wanted to pick up the phone and call him, because sometimes it's easier to live within the illusion than to face up to it.
The songs are in order of the worst part of him to the best part of me. 
It's your life, darling, take it back! 
-Deannalynn Arzola 



1) Serial Killer-Lana Del Rey
https://youtu.be/JsMUm3PpdHE

2) Fake-Alexander O'Neal
https://youtu.be/kjD7jEcFv5o

3) Cold Hearted-Paula Abdul
https://youtu.be/o7aShcmEksw

4) Eyes Without a Face-Billy Idol
https://youtu.be/BKmldYSDJaM

5) Creep-Radiohead
https://youtu.be/uo92iIPOYY4

6) Behind Blue Eyes-The Who
https://youtu.be/Qg_TRaiWj4o

7) Better Man-Pearl Jam
https://youtu.be/lWzLgWWu5wU

8) Possession-Sarah McLachlan
https://youtu.be/9dADn6KDS-s

9) You're Beautiful-James Blunt
https://youtu.be/nX1VeFBo9AQ

10) Part of Me-Katy Perry 
https://youtu.be/2Fko7_SV3Lc

11) Breath Me-Sia
https://youtu.be/SFGvmrJ5rjM

12) It's My Life-No Doubt
https://youtu.be/ubvV498pyIM

How to Avoid the Empathy Trap

How to Avoid the Empathy Trap

This is the best article I have ever read regarding empathy. It begs to be shared and it is helpful not only to those who lack empathy, but those who espouse an overabundance of it, as well.
It appeared in Psychology Today.
Enjoy,
Deannalynn

Morning ~ Night

Dawn breaks
And I belong to you
Tethered by invisible chains
Bound by the beauty
Of my conviction

The passion in your prose
Unmerciful
Tears fall upon the pages
Hard and sharp
Like a desert monsoon

My best, never good enough
Like an illusionist, I break free
From my watery grave
And the snow falling on cedars
Is my beautiful reward

-Deannalynn Arzola

Some more recent snaps ~ Photography by Deannalynn Arzola

Is Being Keenly Aware a Blessing or a Curse?

As Fall finally curls her arms around me, I stand and  look down two roads diverging. The first one is paved with hope, the other with knowledge. Which one would you choose? I have walked them both, however seemingly at the same time, in other words, with empirical knowledge that choosing the path of hope will inevitably take me down, I am still compelled to make a choice; stay on this road with hope in my heart, or choose knowledge, and walk away.
My crisis of faith at this moment is in humanity. Let me begin by saying that events I have experienced have led me to be a flame to the moth that is manipulation. Liars, cheaters, users have long been enamoured with my overly empathetic nature; not because they think it's sweet, but because it is obvious to them that I am easily manipulated. So I keep finding myself surrounded by people who continue to disappoint me. And I keep letting them in. And I keep letting them back in.
I recently met a guy in a serious transitional time in my life. My walls were firmly reconstructed and I had no desire to begin taking them down, even one brick at a time. After being completely deconstructed prior to building my wall, I practiced the often difficult task (for me anyway) of taking things slowly in regards to what I believed (there's that hope, again) to be the foundation of friendship. I don't have much to offer in terms of monetary gain, but I am comfortable, I have a home, I'm loyal and smart, and kind. I'm, again, overly empathetic. The guy, however, needed all of these things from me. I gave him my back, my ear, and my advice, the home, however, was a deal breaker. This is my sanctuary and it is a necessary sanctuary at this time in my life. Once I made this declaration, the sweet, early morning "Hi" texts stopped coming. In fact. the texts pretty much stopped coming at all. The great thing about having walked down the path of knowledge before, is that I was only two months invested when I recognized this familiar behavior and put a stop to the so-called friendship once and for all. And this begs my question. Is it better to know that this type of behaviour is detrimental and to be able to recognize it pretty quickly, or is it better to walk down the path of hope, illusion, deception? It almost seems like having this knowledge perpetuates bad behaviour, as if you're looking for trouble. But then, again, in my experience, the trouble has usually already existed for this person long before I came along.
A couple of years ago, I fell in love with a man full of charm, intelligence, and some of the greatest words I've ever read. I came to find later that he was about to be a first time father and that I was not the only one who fell under his spell. His behaviour, the lying, the infidelity, the over-the-top risk taking was extremely perplexing to me, so being the investigator I am, I began the arduous journey of understanding antisocial personality disorder. My lover's behaviour could be explained by almost every hallmark of sociopathy. The advice, everywhere I turned, was to walk away from him, so I tried, but I couldn't. Again, I found myself standing at a fork. I could choose the path of hope and live in the illusion that I could fix him, that he could love me. I could choose to believe his lies, accept his sexual prowess (or pretend it wasn't really happening), listen in ecstasy as the words I wanted to hear flowed from his mouth so eloquently. I could pretend, just like he does, that everything is fine, the way it is supposed to be...or, I could choose the path of knowledge, my knowledge. I could take what I had learned and use it to my advantage. I could take away from him only the good parts of his personality, and live in the knowledge that this man I loved was suffering a plethora of pain from having been abandoned at birth, raised in a family full of abandoned children, adopted by his foster parents, a house full of the sorrow ancillary to being given away by one's own mother. I could stay on this path and know to the very core of my soul that his promises were empty, his words lies, his passion for me shared with many other women, including, but most certainly not limited to the mother of his child, with whom he lived. I could utilize what I had learned when discovering that he had been arrested, with incident, yet again, for shoplifting. Hearing this news from my friends, reading the crime blotter didn't shock me, for I knew that shoplifting, for him, was all about the adrenaline infiltrating his brain as he submerged himself in risk. I could accept that what we had was simply a love affair, that he would never leave her, that he would come to me in the early morning hours of winter, in the dark, slip naked under my covers, kiss me, get what he came for (pun intended), and leave, leaving me unsatisfied, but that's okay, because he's sick, sick from being abandoned, sick from his adolescent environment, and I love him.
The conundrum I contemplate comes from this knowledge. Is it better to know that everything he's saying is for his benefit, not mine? Is it better to know that those words are being spoken because he knows that that is what I want to hear and if he tells me what I want to hear, he will get what he wants from me? Is it better to fully reconcile that I am just a name on a list, that there are several others, just like me? Well, to say the least, this is what I did. About eight months into the relationship, we had a conversation regarding his sociopathy. Now, I have heard that once a sociopath is confronted with his "victim's" knowledge, he will end the affair, but that's not what happened with my lover. He was wounded, albeit temporarily, and we continued our affair for another year and a half. The bad thing about sharing my thoughts with him was that he, too, knew fully that I understood his personality and therefor it was my duty, if you will, to accept his behaviour without question. Perhaps I should have kept my knowledge to myself. And every time he said something to me, I had to take the time to process in my head that it was most likely a lie. He still told me all the things I wanted to hear, but because I understood his behaviour, I was filled with doubt, rather than just believing him and living under his umbrella of illusion. Let me tell you, being in love with an illusion while knowing it is just that, an illusion, is only a little less confusing than believing the illusion all together. 
I have no ill will towards my sociopath. He taught me so much about humanity, people, personality, behaviour. He assisted me in coming to terms with who I am and why I display my own sometimes erratic behaviour. Because of him, I realize that I am who I am because of my father and my own adolescent environment and that has helped me heal some very old wounds. It has, however, led to me to a place of ambivalence. I question everyone I know, and observe their behaviour, to recognize that what they do is who they are, which brings me back to now and my friend who in the beginning was so sweet and kind and messaged me everyday until I told him that I could not allow him to move into my house.
So, here I sit, still believing in hope, standing at the precipice of decisions I don't want to make, with knowledge I don't want to have and a weight in my heart that is often too heavy to bear. After everything I learned from my sociopath, I am still inclined to choose the path of hope, but because of him, I cannot. Knowing him has made me abandon all hope, as if I am traversing deeply into Dante's circles of hell. I can't seem to answer the question of whether or not it is better to pay more attention to behaviour than words, to doubt everyone, to go through life sans hope in humanity, the very same people that inhabit this earth with me. It is hard to live without hope. Hopelessness begets suicidality. Ask any survivor, they will tell you that they felt completely hopeless when they made their attempt.
So, again, I ask...is being keenly aware of the dastardly deeds humans perpetrate upon each other a blessing...or a curse?

-Deannalynn Arzola