PERPETUAL DESIRE

Wanting you makes no sense to me, but the wanting makes a slave of all of my senses. Missing you shakes me to the very core. You are all I can think about until I get that taste of you I need to survive. Knowing that that minimal amount of serendipity will only make me want you more as soon as your scent escapes me, I still must feel you inside of me, coursing thru my veins. I sometimes wish I were blind when your eyes first pierced my soul, but as I have been electrocuted by their emerald hypnotism, I would rather suffer your foolishness, gladly, carrying with me the memory of your stare, than never to have known it, felt it, lived it. The inter-tangling of our limbs while inside your embrace brings to me a feeling of ecstasy so enthralling, I am cold and shivering when I am not there. To be wrapped up in that comfort is what I wake up for, leave home for, be someone I am not for. The sound of you distracts me and I cannot concentrate until something that I only wish measured up to you grabs my attention and gives to me a temporary moment of sanity. The taste of you is natural to me, as if I have always known what food it is I need to bring me the kind of satisfaction necessary to comfort my pain. You are wicked and beautiful and wrong and right and while you are fulfilling, you always leave me wanting more. You are my weakness, yet the pieces of you I have make me strong. Without you I am cold and scared and depressed. I know, empirically, I should not want you this much, but to have felt you inside of me leaves no room for the notion that I cannot ever feel you there, again. You are my addiction, and everyday I attempt to reconcile how to live WITH you, rather than without. I am selfish. I need you, and I can't think of a single thing I have to offer in return. Come fill me up with your warm oblivion, and let me live in joy for just another moment. I'll worry about the consequences tomorrow... 

-by Deannalynn Arzola

"Walk Beside Me, Be my Friend"
by Deannalynn Arzola
 

"Beneath a tender, fresh, cloudy sky, Montevideo unrolls it's beaches-charming city where everything implies happiness-and a spiritless happiness... At 5 p.m., we fly over Rio and getting off the plane, I am welcomed by this close, humid air-the consistency of cotton wool... at the same time, shrill and multicolored parrots and a peacock with a discordant voice,"
Albert Camus
American Journals  (Journeaux de Voyage)
August 21, 1946

This passage, by Camus was written 67 years ago, today. He had recently embarked on an amazing journey, from his home in Paris to the United State and then on to South America. He wrote when the fancy struck him. He was obviously suffering from the stress of travel, by land, air and sea, ill, and homesick. In his writings, he is sardonic, candid, and raw. At the same time, he is eloquently descriptive of his surroundings. Many a literary critic has opined the real mystery behind le Journeaux. I am not a critic, I am a fan, and I find this book to be a clear window to the the soul of a very dark and surreptitious artist.
My favorite book by Camus is "The Stranger". Camus himself, appears to be the protagonist in a story about a man who doesn't even try to reconcile why he has no heart, no soul, no conscience. 
His personal journals seem to make empirical his duplicitous psyche. He reminds me allot of Feodor Dostoevsky. Crime and Punishment was most definitely a reflection of the author's own histories. Write what you know...
Camus, however dark, is a truly eloquent teller of beauty. "Blessed are the hearts that bend, for they will never be broken."  "In the depth of winter, I finally learned that there was in me an invincible summer." "Your successes and happiness are forgiven, only if you consent to share them."
And, then, of course, the duplicitous nature of this Scorpio, as Dostoevsky is; "To be happy, we must not be too concerned with others." "You know what charm is: a way of getting the answer yes without ever having to ask the question." (sic)
Last night, I lay awake all night reading American Journals. It was such a beautiful gift to literally read the thoughts of such an author as Albert Camus. Learning, investigating, trying to understand on this level is so enjoyable and enlightening, it takes my mind, body and soul to another plane. It's a true mental vacation. It was necessary for me to take this trip.
Once one has returned from this pleasing and mood altering an experience, you almost feel renewed and having solved a little mystery, you want to share all of this information, immediately and perpetually. You have to feel quite blessed to have someone with which to bounce these things off of. 
While you can and most definitely should learn from others and as it is almost our pledged duty to share the knowledge we accrue,  surely life's greatest blessings lie in the people who simply understand each others excitement in the process. And what a beautiful process it is.
Perhaps Mr. Camus said it best:
"Don't walk behind me; I may not lead. Don't walk in front of me; I may not follow. Just walk beside me and be my friend."

"So Much More Than Good Enough"

by Deannalynn Arzola

 As I sat outside my place last night, excogitating the events of the past few days, I came to the conclusion that my relationship w/the arachnid, as it stands, is good enough.

What propelled me to reconcile said relationship in these terms was a thought my friend Zandra shared w/me; "You're my bitch, right now!!!"

Okay, let me go back to earlier Saturday...I had been invited to a friend's birthday party some time ago. This is a friend I will always say yes to, and a friend to whom I'll never break a promise. I brought the invitation to the attention of my boss right around the time I was invited, who advised me to request the PTO in our time tracking software, but I was unable to as I am a travel agent and Labor Day is two weeks away. When I reminded him of the request, he said; "Oh, yeah, I thought I approved that, take the day off. We really appreciate all you do for us...", etc. A friend drove me to the party where we met up with several other friends, had an amazing Armenian buffet and at least two bottles of really good wine.

My beautiful soul mate arrived shortly, thereafter, and anytime she enters my presence, my heart becomes full. Maggie brings the love to my life. She says things from her heart that move me to tears. Her honesty is gentle. Her protection of my happiness is fierce. She is altruistic completely by nature. She is smart and funny and wicked. Last night, she lowered me down into that part of her emotional well only the most privileged get to draw life giving water from. She asked for my advice on the matter. A Scorpio...She will always have my blessing and my support.

I kinda could've left the party quite content at that point, but, I, again, chose the road less traveled, resulting in all the difference. By this time, the Ouzo was flowing freely and so was the easy and intellectual conversation between myself and my mystical and resplendent engineer pal, Morgan. I remember a favorite line from a lovely film called "Spanglish"; "My mother has often said she had the conversation of her life that night..." Morgan is one of those people from which one would derive several conversations of a lifetime. He's an intellectual equal, with literary acumen, empirical perception of all things spiritual and a keen application of architecture. A true Renaissance man, Morgan brings the intellect to my life. This is one of those lovely man/woman relationships with friendship and respect as the foundation upon which it builds. I realized this exponentially as the moon traversed across the crystal  waters of Tualatin Commons Lake.

Getting back to the beginning, my friend Zan. Zan is duplicitously young and wise, strong, yet fragile, carefree, but determined. She came upon me like a cat in need of warm place to rest for a few days. She has stayed six weeks, thus far. Zandra brings the life to my life. Her duplicitous nature forces me to get up in the morning and go to work while greeting me with a party every night when I come home. She is the only person I know who can keep me grounded with my head in the clouds. She never fails to prove the rewards I have worked tirelessly to achieve and know I deserve. She is my girl, my sister, my friend. And because she needs me at this time in our lives, I am her bitch, right now. There simply isn't any room for anybody else.

My friends all offer me their never ending love, their support and their own personal definition of magic. In some way, they have all made a difference so substantial, they have changed the the way I see the world in which I live. No amount of therapy, or medication, has ever been able to do that. They are honest and kind and open.

And while I have met a few people who espouse the antithesis of these characteristics, the relationships I have with them are good enough the way they are.

It is the relationships I have with my friends that grant me the possibility and equip me with the super-power to enjoy my life to the absolute fullest every moment of every day.

And they are so much more than good enough!!!

So, yeah, I've been kinda burnin' up facebook the past two days, gettin' it all outta my

head. As the people I love are aware of, you more than likely understand my process. You all should understand, empirically, that I never make a decision without thinking it thru to the very end result. I have felt the way I have felt re: my situation from the very first day. I did not speak of this to anyone, well a limited few, and then, as my decision started to back up on me, a few more. Anyway, Colette and Chelsae have know from at least end of April who had my number, so to speak. So for my friends who don't know it started from the start, it did, and that spark was there for both of us. When I finally shared my thoughts w/him, mid June, I had already been thinking about it for two and a half months. There was wicked reciprocity, immediately. Upon first telling him, I was sure to tell him this decision, attraction, desire was not purely sexual. I made sure, in fact, to say that this feeling I had was based purely on magic and that at the very least, we should friends. I am happy, happy, happy doin' friends w/bennies...been in a relationship with some son of a bitch my whole life. Content to hook up w/you on Sundays!!! Wow, so intense. So scared. So young. So wounded. So damaged. Things I could deal with, having considered the stars, and the experience I have w/his kind. Things I cannot deal with...the inability to pay attention when it's easier for you to see than for most people...taking your pain and damage and turning it into a weapon rather than a learning experience and hurting wonderful people w/reckless abandon, and not being as old as I need you to be. The latter I knew from the first kiss. What you see is NOT what you get from what he lets you see. He let me see. And that just made me want to be there for that little boy. The first two, however, I did not recognize until I was already in too deep. That is my fault. I always say be who you are, for the Goddess sake, don't you get that I fell for who you are. Don't ever change for me. That's counterproductive and there's always a method to my madness. And I realize for certain that there are valid reasons for his flaws. I accepted them. Yeah, I know this doesn't surprise you. That's who I am at my very core. I've given you my honesty, as I'm not going to pretend to be someone I'm not. It works both ways. So be fucking HONEST!!! That's why I have been so pissed. I knew what I was getting myself into. I am not asking for a noncompliance pass. While he was a total douche to me, I almost expected it. I know that. I own that. But a woman's prerogative is to yell, swing open a door, stomp around, slam another door, and walk off in a huff. It felt freakin' great, too. When I got outside, Jed was in the parking lot. My hommie from 23. He provided the first hug. Took me home, sat outside with me and comforted me. My roomie was here when we pulled up. She had been away for a couple weeks. We stayed up and played in the dirt all night. Throughout the ensuing night, my friends Facebooked me with exponential support. The following morning, having had no sleep, Roomie dragged me out of the house for lunch. Thank you, Zan, blessed be::: Ran into my darling friend, Mark Adams-wicked hug!!! Came home to find more messages of support, and actions, from people who know what's up and erased him because of what he did to me. Went to the pool. Slept like a baby. Woke up today, shared coffee. Read the stars for my beautiful Maggie, answered a msg from a concerned Makaila, downloaded songs about ass holes, got a msg thru to a friend via another friend, wrote, and got ready to go out w/Zan and Jed and Norm Eck to a free concert at Bridgeport, where Jed got me all liquored up and hugged me and listened. By the end of the night, Mark called me. One of his statements was, "Did you say you were goin' back to Vegas?". Yup, after yelling at Mr. Man, I saw Mark, and I was like, I'm goin' home. Shit, after the past two days I've had, you couldn't drag me away from Oregon to save my life. I love you guys so much. I know I can make a decision, mess up, and all of y'all got my back. I can be honest with you without fear of judgement. You are the finest people and best friends I've ever known. That's why I want you to know that I own my choice and the fallout that comes with it. I'm stronger than anyone I know. I am OKAY. I will walk with confidence. I can do that because I know you got me, and you can see who's the ass here. I will continue to enjoy my beautiful life. And do ya really think I'd walk away from the game before my turn at the bat??? Let the games begin. I've got the best cheerleaders on earth!!! Blessed be:::

Dearly Beloved-
It's so ironic, all the authors I've been drawn to, the songs I love from the very first chord, and, oh my Goddess, the people I simply cannot help falling in love with at first sight. The commonality absolutely floors me. And it inspires me. And feeds my soul. And heals my heart. Duplicity only you can understand, you people and authors and song writers with this inherent common denominator. I love you. I hate you. You make sense of it all. You drive me to the brink of insanity. You make me live. You make me want to submerge myself in the comfort of water until I can't hold my breath for one more second. You make me want to know you. You make me wanna walk away. I can only figure I'm so drawn to your contradictory magnetism because I truly love this beautiful mess. And oh, yeah, you're always worth the wait...

"A Beautiful Mess"
You've got the best of both worlds
You're the kind of girl who can take down a man,
And lift him back up again
You are strong but you're needy,
Humble but you're greedy
And based on your body language,
And shoddy cursive I've been reading
Your style is quite selective,
though your mind is rather reckless
Well I guess it just suggests
that this is just what happiness is
Hey, what a beautiful mess this is
It's like picking up trash in dresses
Well it kind of hurts when the kind of words you write
Kind of turn themselves into knives
And don't mind my nerve you could call it fiction
But I like being submerged in your contradictions, dear
'Cause here we are, here we are
Although you were biased I love your advice
Your comebacks ‒ they're quick
And probably have to do with your insecurities
There's no shame in being crazy,
Depending on how you take these
Words that paraphrasing this relationship we're staging
And what a beautiful mess, yes it is
It's like we're picking up trash in dresses
Well it kind of hurts when the kind of words you say
Kind of turn themselves into blades
And "kind and courteous" is a life I've heard
But it's nice to say that we played in the dirt
'Cause here, here we are, here we are
Here we are
We're still here
What a beautiful mess this is
It's like taking a guess when the only answer is "Yes"
Through timeless words and priceless pictures
We'll fly like birds not of this earth
And tides ‒ they turn ‒ and hearts disfigure
But that's no concern when we're wounded together
And we tore our dresses and stained our shirts
But it's nice today. Oh, the wait was so worth it. 

Words and Music by Jason Mraz
Sentiment by Deannalynn Arzola

"Building A Mystery"

You come out at night

That's when the energy come
And the dark side's light
And the vampires roam
You strut your rasta wear
And your suicide poem
And a cross from a faith
That died before Jesus came
You're building a mystery

You live in a church
Where you sleep with voodoo dolls
And you won't give up the search
For the ghosts in the halls
You wear sandals in the snow
And a smile that won't wash away
Can you look out the window
Without your shadow 
Getting in the  way
Oh, you're so beautiful
With an edge and a charm
But so careful
When I'm in your arms

'Cause you're working
Building a mystery
Holding on and holding it in
Yeah you're working
Building a mystery
And choosing so carefully

You woke up screaming aloud
A prayer from your secret god
You feed off our fears
And hold back your tears
Give us a tantrum
And a know it all grin
Just when we need one
When the evening's thin

You're a beautiful,
Beautiful fucked up man
You're setting up your
Razor wire shrine
Yeah, you're building a mystery...

Words and Music by Sarah Mclachlan

To Make You Feel My Love

When the rain is blowing in your face
And the whole world is on your case
I could offer you a warm embrace
To make you feel my love

When evening shadows and the stars appear
And there is no one to dry your tears
I could hold you for a million years
To make you feel my love

I know you haven't made your mind up yet
But I would never do you wrong
I've known it from the moment that we met
No doubt in my mind where you belong

I'd go hungry I'd go black and blue
I'd go crawling down the avenue
There ain't nothing that I wouldn't do
To make you feel my love

The storms are raging on a rolling sea
And on the highway of regret
The winds of change are blowing wild and free
You ain't see nothing like me yet
I could make you happy make your dreams come true
Nothing that I wouldn't do
Go to the ends of the earth for you
To make you feel my love

Words and Music by Bob Dylan

"I Love You"

I have a smile
stretched from ear to ear
to see you walking down the road

We meet at the lights
I stare for a while
the world around us disappears

And it's just you and me
on my island of hope
a breath between us could be miles

Let me surround you
my sea to your shore
let me be the calm you seek

Oh but every time I'm close to you,
there's too much I can't say...
and you just walk away

And I forgot
to tell you
I love you
and the night's
too long
and cold here
without you 

I grieve in my condition-
for I cannot find the words to say I need you so

Oh and every time I'm close to you
there's too much I can't say
and you just walk away

And I forgot
to tell you
I love you
and the night's
too long
and cold here
without you 

I grieve in my condition-
for I cannot find the words to say
I need you so bad

-Words and Music by Sarah Mclachlan