Sweet Surrender

It doesn't mean much

It doesn't mean anything at all

The life I've left behind me is a cold room

I've crossed the last line

From where I can't return

Where every step I took in faith betrayed me

And led me from my home

 Sweet surrender

Is all that I have to give

You take me in, no question's asked

You strip away the ugliness that surrounds me

(Who are you?)

Are you an angel?

Am I already that gone?

I only hope that I won't disappoint you

When I'm down here on my knees

(Who are you?)

And sweet surrender

Is all that I have to give

(Who are you?)

And sweet surrender

Is all that I have to give

And I don't understand

How the touch of your hand

I would be the one to fall

I miss the little things

I miss everything about you...

Doesn't mean much

It doesn't mean anything at all

The life I've left behind me is a cold room

(Who are you?)

And sweet surrender

Is all that I have to give

(Who are you?)

And sweet surrender

Is all that I have to give.

Words and Music by Sarah McLachlan

https://play.spotify.com/user/126166462/playlist/45kmsnJrSL7lwqaR1ks3rW

*For you, my beloved

ATTENTION: All of my beloved readers and followers..
Please be one of the first supporters to fund a Broadway play. I am writing a play adapted for the stage from a Bruce Springsteen song he wrote and cut in the early 1970s. This is sort of a new way to fund art and all my beautiful, faithful readers, who have supported my work over the years will have the opportunity to perpetuate that art AND be a part of something huge.
Please follow the link and if you can't contribute, please pass on my information to your friends and beloveds.
I thank you so much for your support. As an artist, nothing else really matters!
Much love,
Deannalynn

http://www.gofundme.com/deannalynnarzola

"Thanks Derrick" A short story by Deannalynn Arzola

I guess in this world there are an infinite amount of things to be thankful for in ones life, as there are for me. I could go on for days, filling the pages with stories of all of the wonderful things I receive from the people in my life. Obviously, the things we are thankful for change throughout our journey, but somehow, along the way, we are able to find the people who seem to fill the exact thing we are grateful for at the specific time we need it. It's a little magic. Here's a short story about thankfulness...

Alexandra exited her car and ran into his arms as fast as she could.
"Oh, Derrick, god how I miss you!" Alex buried her head deeply into that place on Derrick's chest that seemed to be designed specifically for her head. He ran his fingers through her hair, stopping suddenly so as to grab a handful, pull her head back and kiss her. Life is trying, Alex thought, and this is my relief.

Alex and Derrick walked through the park, looking for a quiet place to lunch. The sun was low in the early spring sky, giving off a warm and blanketing comfort from its glow. A tall elm beckoned and the two settled in under the shade, a soft breeze just above them.

"Derrick, look at me." Derrick turned his head and gazed deeply into her eyes, as if to make sure, for both of them, that he would hang on every word.
"I wanna thank you for something. Thank you for letting me love you the way I do. Being in love you with you is my medicine and those times during the day that bring you to me, those little reminders in everything I do, those signs, they take me away from the insanity that surrounds me and they take me to a place I spend hours in my bed alone at night lost in my thoughts, memories, of you, but they do so during the day, like a daydream. Thank you for never making me feel crazy for needing to love you this way. Your understanding of my need to find that relief in you and your allowing me to express that to you with my words is sometimes all I have to distract me all during a crazy day."

Derrick took Alexandra's face in his hands and kissed her with passion and assurance.

An understanding between them, both of them agreeing, silently, to give one another what they need at this particular time in their lives. Alex thanked the gods for the circumstance that led to the meeting of their souls.

by Deannalynn Arzola

What if mortuary makeup were considered a death masque and that is why I cannot bear to look at masques in my present day life?

Hmmm...
Deannalynn Arzola

A Full Moon Eclipse on Easter Weekend

As I sit, thirty-thousand feet in the air, on the way to Las Vegas to see my wonderful little family, Portland in the "rear view mirror" I am reminded of both the blessings and the demons in my life; again, I find myself caught entre deux. My life seems to be as duplicitous as the people I surround myself with. 
Today is Good Friday. Honestly, as a spiritual person rather than a religious one, it doesn't mean a whole hell of allot to me, but, it is the day most of the world celebrates, if you will, the day Jesus was executed. What makes this a big deal for me is that two days later, he rose from the dead, which I kinda believe; I mean after all, that is one of the seven wonders. So I shall be respectful of this Christian practice we call Easter. 
Yesterday, in Portland, I stopped by briefly to visit my own spiritual adviser. It had been a terribly trying day and I needed some congregation of my own. She advised very strongly that under the full moon on Friday, I should let go of yesterday and all the baggage that is required of me to hold on to. She also said that on Saturday, I should specify my wishes to the Universe. Debbie is a smart goddess, which is why I went to see her after such a disposable week, so I did as she advised...
I let go of my baggage prior to bringing my literal baggage on the plane, praying intensely for the talent to bring forth this constitution I espouse in regards to letting go. Bye-bye, ya'll.
I wish for a job in which I can practice the altruism my empathetic nature craves. I pray to be surrounded by people who experience love that way that I experience love. I pray for the architecture of my knowledge, so that I may continue to see people as they really are. And I certainly pray for the strength to hold on to those I love, regardless, and let go of those I recognize to practice behaviour unworthy of my energy.
Within my wishes and my prayers, I am so grateful for the blessings I have. The things that I wish for are things I realize I am capable of materializing; that is a blessing in and of itself.
And now we land, in a valley that shines brighter than the full moon so pronounced in this desert sky. In a moment, I will receive my first blessing. I will be greeted by my daughter's husband; he is a son to me. And that will begin many more blessings to come, when I see my girl, my Joshua, my mini-Dee who is just now forming that personality that she will project for the rest of her life, when we sit, at three-thousand feet, in the desert, and meld together magic, faith and worship from all of the stories we have been told and all of the gods with whom we all have connected.
As I said, I am already gifted with my aforementioned wishes, and my family, well they are the people who surround me that experience love the way that I experience love.
We all make sacrifices in our lives. Jesus sacrificed his life for his words, which I can relate to. I would tell me story as loud as I could regardless of dire consequences threatened. The gods who came before us sacrificed their hearts and their beloveds and our Universe is a better place for it. We should all practice a little sacrifice, especially in the advocacy of our fellow cohabitants. We will always be rewarded for our doing so and those benefits seem so much larger than life. It's a beautiful thing.
Cheers to a delightful weekend...

-Deannalynn Arzola 

A Letter to Lolita by Deannalynn Arzola

Dear Lolita,

Your youth, my sweet,~
the softness of your skin, the curiosity in your eyes, the laughter in your voice; they are beautiful, but oh how they hide the wisdom in your soul, the love in your heart, the desire in your distinction.
 ~Truly, a wicked combination, drawing me in, like a fish on a hook...

                                                               HH
Words by Deannalynn Arzola, based on the book, "Lolita", by Vladimir Nabokov

"Force is nothing else than spiritual capacity, an invisible power that is created and implanted by accidental violence by sensible bodies in insensible ones, giving to these a semblance of life; and this life is marvelous in its workings, constraining and transforming in place and shape, all created things, running with fury to its own destruction, and producing different effects in its course as occasion requires."

-Leonardo da Vinci

Suspended Animation

Mmm, you grasp my face and kiss me hard and deep as you spin me around in a whirl of passion, falling together in an intensification of ecstasy.
Feeling you there, indelibly in my arms, compelled by your desire is my drug of choice; the only elixir that can bring me to normal. I can still feel you there, the scent of your skin on my pillow. 
Moments in my day find me lost in the memory of us and I wish to extirpate anyone who dares to cast me back to reality. 

-Deannalynn Arzola
*for my Shadow

Trust Your Instincts

There is more to be learned when instinct is trusted more than intellect. Imagination and intimacy come when feelings overcome facts.

-Deannalynn Arzola 

A Letter to the President of The United States of America


Dear Mr. President,                                                                                                     April 14, 2015

I wish to take this time, Sir, to thank you for fighting, having never given up, for your constituency in regards to health care.
As a lifelong Democrat, I have supported with my heart and soul, my words and my wallet, the idea of helping those in need in our society. I have always believed that we should help one another when we can and ask for help when we need it. You fought so long and hard to make healthcare available to all; a fight I believe was very hard won. 
I recently found myself unemployed and uninsured. I applied for CareOregon. Several folks in my states believe Governor Kitzhaber failed on his part to provide a more well oiled machine. The same words I have heard spoken about you, Sir. I must say that I could not disagree more, as I became ill and needed to see a specialist just this week. When I called CareOregon to check the status of my application, my call was answered immediately. Upon hearing my answer in the affirmative, I smiled such a wide grin; not necessarily simply because I was approved, but because I saw an amazing thing unfold before my very eyes. It was not just myself I was happy for; it was my Country. I realized that all of the taxes I have paid for working thirty-three years were going to a social cause. I realized that my President kept yet another promise and I was, am proud.
Again, Mr. President, I thank you for your tireless work in the advocacy of our Country. I hope that you will disregard you detractors. They are wrong. Thank you, also, for continuing to work for the benefit of those in need. While Socialism without Capitalism is Communism, Capitalism without Socialism is a country run amok. Your ability to balance both is something most leaders in the world can only aspire to.

Most sincerely,
Deannalynn Arzola  

How Apropos

                                                                 
As I sit, thinking about how you have changed me over these last two years, I listen to my favorite music, a distraction at best, I wish, anyway. So many songs fit the words to the actions, if you will, however, this one, this old Ozzy song I used to listen to in high~school, from "Diary of a Madman", the title, how apropos, this is the one that tells our story... Times have changed, I ain't the same, times go by, you could've been a better friend to me, you took me in and you drove me out, you had me hypnotized, lost and found, turned around, the fire in your eyes, you told me lies, you made me cry but I can't stand to say goodbye, I could be right, I could be wrong, it hurts so bad, selfish love, the ride before the fall, but I'm gonna take this heart of stone, I've seen your face a thousand times, every day we've been apart, but I don't care about the sunshine (your wicked darkness), I'm comin' home...

                                                  "Mama, I'm Coming Home"

[Ozzy Osbourne, Zakk Wylde, Lemmy Kilmister]

Times have changed and times are strange
Here I come, but I ain't the same

Mama, I'm coming home

Times gone by, seems to be
You could have been a better friend to me

Mama, I'm coming home

You took me in and you drove me out
Yeah, you had me hypnotized
Lost and found and turned around
By the fire in your eyes

You made me cry, you told me lies
But, I can't stand to say goodbye

Mama, I'm coming home

I could be right, I could be wrong
It hurts so bad, it's been so long

Mama, I'm coming home

Selfish love, yeah, we're both alone
The ride before the fall, yeah.
But I'm gonna take this heart of stone
I just got to have it all.

I've seen your face a hundred times,
Everyday we've been apart
I don't care about the sunshine, yeah
'cause mama,

Mama, I'm coming home
I'm coming home

You took me in and you drove me out
Yeah, you had the hypnotised, yeah.
Lost and found and turned around
By the fire in your eyes

I've seen your face a thousand times
Everyday we've been apart
And I don't care about the sunshine, yeah
'cause mama,

Mama, I'm coming home
I'm coming home

https://play.spotify.com/user/126166462/playlist/45kmsnJrSL7lwqaR1ks3rW

 A letter to my Shadow...

Dear Five,

I have often said that I could define my love for you in five words. That would be the simple answer. Those five words all began with the question of why I refuse to let you go. My answer was that 'you make everything else nothing'. If I were to compare the way you make me feel with your intensity and your charm and your madness to the way others make me feel, that would be the correct answer. No one has ever compared to you. And this leads me to the longer answer. There are many reasons why I refuse to let you go, which by the way are not the reasons I love you. There are no reasons for that. I just do, and that's what love is. 
I will never let you go because you have taught me about behaviour. Behaviour does not lie. This is information I should have carried with me all my life just based on my mom. I have always known that her behaviour was a result of her manic/depressive disorder and the environment in which she was raised. I have never blamed her for her suicide. I have never once thought it was my fault, or hers for that matter. But I have not utilized that knowledge. Instead, I have spent my life trying to understand why people act the way the way they do, and because I have always loved her so much, I have never turned my back on someone I loved because they had a personality disorder. In many cases in my life, perhaps I should have. My empathy for imperfection has disallowed this, a fact I am extremely grateful for, as it has led me to do everything I could do to understand your behaviour. I went thru hell, I studied Jung and Hare and people's words expressed in the depths of their own hell having been in a relationship with someone with an antisocial personality. My love for you has led me to do the same. Having hung in there and learned what I have has helped me to do more than simply understand why people act the way they do; it has helped me recognize that behaviour is what speaks volumes. Words, again, are beautiful and hurtful and educating and fantastical. Words tell stories. Behaviour, however, speaks the truth. It says what we do not. It says what we can't. It brings the truth out of the dark closet in which it often resides, hidden so as to represent a lie. Behaviour begets empiricality. You taught me that.
You once told me that my words and my actions did not reconcile. I find this an amazing truth from a man who understands on a level most people never realise. I have never forgotten those words, nor will I. I try to practice the reconciliation of both in my own actions because of you. I also realize on more experient level the words and actions of those around me. I see more clearly when they don't match. As actors and writers, we are reminded by Shakespeare that our actions and our words are to match when we are on the stage. His advice in Hamlet was to act the way the words were written. Not doing so disallows the audience the privilege of observing the art which was intended. "Exaggeration has no place in theatre", he writes in his play. This is true. Actors who overact do not win Oscars. Compare Meryl Streep to Al Pacino. Ms. Streep has been nominated for nineteen Academy Awards, winning three. Her acting fits her character every time. It isn't always subtle, as In "August: Osage County", however, her character was written for the stage, a strictly dialogue driven film. She was nominated for her role as Violet Weston, best performance in a leading role. Pacino on the other hand, who is one of the best character actors ever has been nominated eight times and one only once. His award winning performance in "Scent of a Woman" was one of his most subtle performances. He is a terrific actor, one of my favorites, but his acting is almost always over the top. He even played Shakespeare's Richard III. When you think about Shakespeare's words, as they do, still four-hundred years after his writing, they ring true. He has advised us for four centuries on love and life and acting and writing. Actions should fit the words behind them. If they do not, one must make a choice. Stay, knowing that this is what this person does, with full acceptance and little expectation, or walk away. This decision, for me, is like a scale. Does the benefit outweigh the detriment? If so, stay, and be strong and be grateful for that which you are receiving from the relationship. If not, staying is the lie. Pretending that some day the benefits will win out IS the detriment. With you, the benefits win out, because they are the following: When you speak to me with your beautiful alliteration, I find a sense of joy I don't find with others. You act, you write, you shoot pictures, you speak my language. When my phone beeps your ringtone, I become excited, animated, I come to life because hearing from you changes my mood from whatever it is to better than it is. You understand my damage. You don't expect me to be something I'm not because you've been there. You know how I feel about my mother. You realise the subsequence. When I am crazy and I reach out to you, you calm me. You use your words to make me believe I am special. And I am special. And I don't think sociopathy is the motivating factor. I know you know that I am not like everyone else. In the beginning, you found my empathy and love to be a weakness, but now, after I have remained in our perdition, both of us knowing that you espouse this antisocial personality, you see this as my strength. I know you know I will always have your back. I know that you know I do this with no expectation, because we know each other. I know you know I love you in spite of your inability to feel that emotion. You never judge me for this or question me for this. It just is what it is. You inspire my creativity. I write poetry about you. I write stories about you. I write scripts for you. When I am trapped in an indignant situation, as I am presently, I can't write. I am not inspired by this detrimental relationship in which I currently reside. Because of you, I know that I must walk away from him. You have reinstilled my faith. I believe in magic, again. I pay attention to the signs I receive from the Universe because of you. When I met you, I recognized you. I was certainly not looking for love, however, scorpions surrounded me daily. The number eleven was everywhere, even on my door. There was no way for me to investigate this idea. There are no birth records to verify my intuition, as you know. I remember asking you, "November what?" This is another reason why I can't walk away. I was told to love you. Some people might say that I could not walk away because you had me under some beguiling spell. I thought long and hard about this. Am I in love with an illusion? Am I spellbound by your charm and your words. Perhaps I am addicted to your intensity, but after all of my soul searching, I remember that when I need you, you call me, without my asking. I remember that it was I who pursued you. I remember that you never tried to bullshit me into some crazy love affair. It was as if I always knew you and you knew I did. We have always kept one another at arms length. I have always believed that this was the case because I was not someone you wanted to hurt. I loved you long before I ever saw that amazing ability you possess in regards to reading people so as to act the way you feel you should specifically to the case. I cannot walk away from you, and you know I have tried, and I'm sure it is second nature to you to prevent that from happening for your own agenda, because when I am lost, with you, I am found. I cannot explain this other than it is a spiritual connection I have with you and walking away from you has always been far more painful than staying or returning. Loving you is just easier for me to exist in my world. Knowing you're out there makes me feel better, and that is my agenda. 
When I went home to see my family, I was so grounded, so peaceful. You have changed me. Yes, I'm still crazy. I'm still an abandoned daughter, but going through what I did to be able to keep you in my life has made me a better person. A stronger person. I know that what we will be will always be this. Together, there is far too much intensity, too much sadness, too much anger, too much mistrust, so this is what we are. This is all I have, if you will, as it appears to be so little, but (and god, I want to insert your name, here), to me it is so much. I want you to know this. I understand it may be difficult for you to feel the emotion behind my enrapture, but this I disregard only for the need for you to know what a difference you make in my life. There are so many reasons I choose to keep you in my heart. Loving you, however, is reasonless. I just do. I always will. I wouldn't change this for anything. Ever.

Thank you, my love,
Dee

Smoke and Mirrors

by Deannalynn Arzola

A reflection

Obscured by the smoke

Of our fire

A vague image

Unrecognizable

If not for memory

My face~your face

Stares back at me

An illusion at best

Darkness falls

A subjugated face

Bound by invisible chains 

The times when I feel so far away from you are the the most difficult moments of my day.
It's hard to imagine how I can love someone so much who does not exist in my world. I'm certain it seems insane to those who know me; not that I can love you, but that I continue to be so lost in you, whoever, wherever you are.
All I can say is that loving you has changed me. I am centered and grounded in the midst of the storm that is us. 
Yes, I am lost in you...
But I have found myself there, too.

-Deannalynn Arzola
*for my Shadow