A letter to my Shadow...

Dear Five,

I have often said that I could define my love for you in five words. That would be the simple answer. Those five words all began with the question of why I refuse to let you go. My answer was that 'you make everything else nothing'. If I were to compare the way you make me feel with your intensity and your charm and your madness to the way others make me feel, that would be the correct answer. No one has ever compared to you. And this leads me to the longer answer. There are many reasons why I refuse to let you go, which by the way are not the reasons I love you. There are no reasons for that. I just do, and that's what love is. 
I will never let you go because you have taught me about behaviour. Behaviour does not lie. This is information I should have carried with me all my life just based on my mom. I have always known that her behaviour was a result of her manic/depressive disorder and the environment in which she was raised. I have never blamed her for her suicide. I have never once thought it was my fault, or hers for that matter. But I have not utilized that knowledge. Instead, I have spent my life trying to understand why people act the way the way they do, and because I have always loved her so much, I have never turned my back on someone I loved because they had a personality disorder. In many cases in my life, perhaps I should have. My empathy for imperfection has disallowed this, a fact I am extremely grateful for, as it has led me to do everything I could do to understand your behaviour. I went thru hell, I studied Jung and Hare and people's words expressed in the depths of their own hell having been in a relationship with someone with an antisocial personality. My love for you has led me to do the same. Having hung in there and learned what I have has helped me to do more than simply understand why people act the way they do; it has helped me recognize that behaviour is what speaks volumes. Words, again, are beautiful and hurtful and educating and fantastical. Words tell stories. Behaviour, however, speaks the truth. It says what we do not. It says what we can't. It brings the truth out of the dark closet in which it often resides, hidden so as to represent a lie. Behaviour begets empiricality. You taught me that.
You once told me that my words and my actions did not reconcile. I find this an amazing truth from a man who understands on a level most people never realise. I have never forgotten those words, nor will I. I try to practice the reconciliation of both in my own actions because of you. I also realize on more experient level the words and actions of those around me. I see more clearly when they don't match. As actors and writers, we are reminded by Shakespeare that our actions and our words are to match when we are on the stage. His advice in Hamlet was to act the way the words were written. Not doing so disallows the audience the privilege of observing the art which was intended. "Exaggeration has no place in theatre", he writes in his play. This is true. Actors who overact do not win Oscars. Compare Meryl Streep to Al Pacino. Ms. Streep has been nominated for nineteen Academy Awards, winning three. Her acting fits her character every time. It isn't always subtle, as In "August: Osage County", however, her character was written for the stage, a strictly dialogue driven film. She was nominated for her role as Violet Weston, best performance in a leading role. Pacino on the other hand, who is one of the best character actors ever has been nominated eight times and one only once. His award winning performance in "Scent of a Woman" was one of his most subtle performances. He is a terrific actor, one of my favorites, but his acting is almost always over the top. He even played Shakespeare's Richard III. When you think about Shakespeare's words, as they do, still four-hundred years after his writing, they ring true. He has advised us for four centuries on love and life and acting and writing. Actions should fit the words behind them. If they do not, one must make a choice. Stay, knowing that this is what this person does, with full acceptance and little expectation, or walk away. This decision, for me, is like a scale. Does the benefit outweigh the detriment? If so, stay, and be strong and be grateful for that which you are receiving from the relationship. If not, staying is the lie. Pretending that some day the benefits will win out IS the detriment. With you, the benefits win out, because they are the following: When you speak to me with your beautiful alliteration, I find a sense of joy I don't find with others. You act, you write, you shoot pictures, you speak my language. When my phone beeps your ringtone, I become excited, animated, I come to life because hearing from you changes my mood from whatever it is to better than it is. You understand my damage. You don't expect me to be something I'm not because you've been there. You know how I feel about my mother. You realise the subsequence. When I am crazy and I reach out to you, you calm me. You use your words to make me believe I am special. And I am special. And I don't think sociopathy is the motivating factor. I know you know that I am not like everyone else. In the beginning, you found my empathy and love to be a weakness, but now, after I have remained in our perdition, both of us knowing that you espouse this antisocial personality, you see this as my strength. I know you know I will always have your back. I know that you know I do this with no expectation, because we know each other. I know you know I love you in spite of your inability to feel that emotion. You never judge me for this or question me for this. It just is what it is. You inspire my creativity. I write poetry about you. I write stories about you. I write scripts for you. When I am trapped in an indignant situation, as I am presently, I can't write. I am not inspired by this detrimental relationship in which I currently reside. Because of you, I know that I must walk away from him. You have reinstilled my faith. I believe in magic, again. I pay attention to the signs I receive from the Universe because of you. When I met you, I recognized you. I was certainly not looking for love, however, scorpions surrounded me daily. The number eleven was everywhere, even on my door. There was no way for me to investigate this idea. There are no birth records to verify my intuition, as you know. I remember asking you, "November what?" This is another reason why I can't walk away. I was told to love you. Some people might say that I could not walk away because you had me under some beguiling spell. I thought long and hard about this. Am I in love with an illusion? Am I spellbound by your charm and your words. Perhaps I am addicted to your intensity, but after all of my soul searching, I remember that when I need you, you call me, without my asking. I remember that it was I who pursued you. I remember that you never tried to bullshit me into some crazy love affair. It was as if I always knew you and you knew I did. We have always kept one another at arms length. I have always believed that this was the case because I was not someone you wanted to hurt. I loved you long before I ever saw that amazing ability you possess in regards to reading people so as to act the way you feel you should specifically to the case. I cannot walk away from you, and you know I have tried, and I'm sure it is second nature to you to prevent that from happening for your own agenda, because when I am lost, with you, I am found. I cannot explain this other than it is a spiritual connection I have with you and walking away from you has always been far more painful than staying or returning. Loving you is just easier for me to exist in my world. Knowing you're out there makes me feel better, and that is my agenda. 
When I went home to see my family, I was so grounded, so peaceful. You have changed me. Yes, I'm still crazy. I'm still an abandoned daughter, but going through what I did to be able to keep you in my life has made me a better person. A stronger person. I know that what we will be will always be this. Together, there is far too much intensity, too much sadness, too much anger, too much mistrust, so this is what we are. This is all I have, if you will, as it appears to be so little, but (and god, I want to insert your name, here), to me it is so much. I want you to know this. I understand it may be difficult for you to feel the emotion behind my enrapture, but this I disregard only for the need for you to know what a difference you make in my life. There are so many reasons I choose to keep you in my heart. Loving you, however, is reasonless. I just do. I always will. I wouldn't change this for anything. Ever.

Thank you, my love,
Dee