So, yeah, I've been kinda burnin' up facebook the past two days, gettin' it all outta my

head. As the people I love are aware of, you more than likely understand my process. You all should understand, empirically, that I never make a decision without thinking it thru to the very end result. I have felt the way I have felt re: my situation from the very first day. I did not speak of this to anyone, well a limited few, and then, as my decision started to back up on me, a few more. Anyway, Colette and Chelsae have know from at least end of April who had my number, so to speak. So for my friends who don't know it started from the start, it did, and that spark was there for both of us. When I finally shared my thoughts w/him, mid June, I had already been thinking about it for two and a half months. There was wicked reciprocity, immediately. Upon first telling him, I was sure to tell him this decision, attraction, desire was not purely sexual. I made sure, in fact, to say that this feeling I had was based purely on magic and that at the very least, we should friends. I am happy, happy, happy doin' friends w/bennies...been in a relationship with some son of a bitch my whole life. Content to hook up w/you on Sundays!!! Wow, so intense. So scared. So young. So wounded. So damaged. Things I could deal with, having considered the stars, and the experience I have w/his kind. Things I cannot deal with...the inability to pay attention when it's easier for you to see than for most people...taking your pain and damage and turning it into a weapon rather than a learning experience and hurting wonderful people w/reckless abandon, and not being as old as I need you to be. The latter I knew from the first kiss. What you see is NOT what you get from what he lets you see. He let me see. And that just made me want to be there for that little boy. The first two, however, I did not recognize until I was already in too deep. That is my fault. I always say be who you are, for the Goddess sake, don't you get that I fell for who you are. Don't ever change for me. That's counterproductive and there's always a method to my madness. And I realize for certain that there are valid reasons for his flaws. I accepted them. Yeah, I know this doesn't surprise you. That's who I am at my very core. I've given you my honesty, as I'm not going to pretend to be someone I'm not. It works both ways. So be fucking HONEST!!! That's why I have been so pissed. I knew what I was getting myself into. I am not asking for a noncompliance pass. While he was a total douche to me, I almost expected it. I know that. I own that. But a woman's prerogative is to yell, swing open a door, stomp around, slam another door, and walk off in a huff. It felt freakin' great, too. When I got outside, Jed was in the parking lot. My hommie from 23. He provided the first hug. Took me home, sat outside with me and comforted me. My roomie was here when we pulled up. She had been away for a couple weeks. We stayed up and played in the dirt all night. Throughout the ensuing night, my friends Facebooked me with exponential support. The following morning, having had no sleep, Roomie dragged me out of the house for lunch. Thank you, Zan, blessed be::: Ran into my darling friend, Mark Adams-wicked hug!!! Came home to find more messages of support, and actions, from people who know what's up and erased him because of what he did to me. Went to the pool. Slept like a baby. Woke up today, shared coffee. Read the stars for my beautiful Maggie, answered a msg from a concerned Makaila, downloaded songs about ass holes, got a msg thru to a friend via another friend, wrote, and got ready to go out w/Zan and Jed and Norm Eck to a free concert at Bridgeport, where Jed got me all liquored up and hugged me and listened. By the end of the night, Mark called me. One of his statements was, "Did you say you were goin' back to Vegas?". Yup, after yelling at Mr. Man, I saw Mark, and I was like, I'm goin' home. Shit, after the past two days I've had, you couldn't drag me away from Oregon to save my life. I love you guys so much. I know I can make a decision, mess up, and all of y'all got my back. I can be honest with you without fear of judgement. You are the finest people and best friends I've ever known. That's why I want you to know that I own my choice and the fallout that comes with it. I'm stronger than anyone I know. I am OKAY. I will walk with confidence. I can do that because I know you got me, and you can see who's the ass here. I will continue to enjoy my beautiful life. And do ya really think I'd walk away from the game before my turn at the bat??? Let the games begin. I've got the best cheerleaders on earth!!! Blessed be:::