"I'd rather love you obliviously, than hate you empirically."
-DeAnna Lynn Arzola
Sunday, November 24, 2013
"I Do Not Love You"
I do not love you as if you were salt-rose, or topaz,
or the arrow of carnations the fire shoots off.
I love you as certain dark things are to be loved,
in secret, between the shadow and the soul.
I love you as the plant that never blooms
but carries in itself the light of hidden flowers;
thanks to your love a certain solid fragrance,
risen from the earth, lives darkly in my body.
I love you without knowing how, or when, or from where.
I love you straightforwardly, without complexities or pride;
So I love you because I know no other way than this:
where I does not exist, nor you,
so close that your hand on my chest is my hand,
so close that your eyes close as I fall asleep.
so close that your hand on my chest is my hand,
so close that your eyes close as I fall asleep.
-Pablo Neruda
"I Do Not Love You Except Because I Love You"
I do not love you except because I love you;
I go from loving to not loving you,
From waiting to not waiting for you
My heart moves from cold to fire.
I love you only because it's you the one I love;
I hate you deeply, and hating you
Bend to you, and the measure of my changing love for you
Is that I do not see you but love you blindly.
Maybe January light will consume
My heart with its cruel
Ray, stealing my key to true calm.
In this part of the story I am the one who dies
I do not love you except because I love you;
I go from loving to not loving you,
From waiting to not waiting for you
My heart moves from cold to fire.
I love you only because it's you the one I love;
I hate you deeply, and hating you
Bend to you, and the measure of my changing love for you
Is that I do not see you but love you blindly.
Maybe January light will consume
My heart with its cruel
Ray, stealing my key to true calm.
In this part of the story I am the one who dies
The only one, and I will die of love because I love you,
Because I love you,
Because I love you,
Love, in fire and blood.
Pablo Neruda
Tell me I am different...
I have never encountered anyone like you in my life. I have heard about you. There are people out there who use the gifts they've been given to hurt people, or keep them at bay, or make up to themselves all their perceived wrongs in their life, or perhaps, they do not believe they are worthy of the goodness they are offered. Whatever the case may be, I've only heard about people like you. Generally, they are the people in the news, the monsters who have used their undeniable charm to convince others to do their bidding, the control freaks who finally get caught keeping women locked in the basement, because for one brief moment, they lost a little control, and began to trust their victim, thinking, as you do, said victim would never betray the trust you have given, because they feel they are so indispensable, the victim wouldn't turn them in, they needed their captor too much. There are the Ted Bundys of the world, who use their charm to lure their victims in, only to get off on the power they have, literally in their hands as they are choking the life out of their victim, getting back , in their own despicable way, at the women who have wronged them in the past. Then there are the people out there who hate themselves so much, they feed on the love they are shown by their victims. Without this so-called love, they would die. I suppose there are people in the world who only understand the love they have for themselves. It is themselves that they are in love with, simply incapable of loving anyone else.
Tell me you are different...
This is not the way I see you, but it is all everyone who knows us both sees. I know why you don't love me the way I love you. I am so good, so special, so amazing, so capable of loving my people unconditionally, that the gods would never allow you to love me back. THAT is what would be the death of me. Your love, in return, is what would surely kill me. Is that you, or is that magic. I know your love is a curse. Do you know this, or is it my angels looking out for me because they know that I cannot take one more tragedy. It must be them, because you are unfamiliar with my losses. You've never even attempted to understand what it is that has made the person who is capable of loving you so completely. It is all the loss, and all the wisdom gained from that loss that allows me to see past your indiscretions, and believe in you and trust you, and love you. I have always thought that you would not allow yourself to love me, because you had to keep a certain distance between us. That, for you, and even me, perhaps, it would just be too much. I have thought that you have these superficial relationships with others because those are the relationships that are the easiest for you to control, to handle. And you will not allow yourself to take me in because I'm different. Of course, if that were the case, that would only make me love you more.
I shall try to put this into perspective for you, knowing in my heart that you already know, and with great ambivalence in my doubt that you don't...
In the beginning, I recognized that you were one of them. Those people I let in because I know that they are the ones who will provide me the perpetual love I require to keep my demons at bay. I knew you were one of them, my November people. I have known them all my life and I know they are the only ones worthy of my love because they are the ones who love like I love. I was right about the birthday. I was not right, however, about you. I only saw what I wanted to see. Even though I saw all the signs and all of my people and even your people made it very clear to me who you were. To me. To them. Yes, oh yes, she told me from day one, you were her man. She was able to see my love for you way before you were. I just simply comforted myself with the knowledge I have gained from knowing all the others like you I know. I remember clearly understanding that this was an endeavor that would require a huge amount of time and energy. I knew I would be tested and observed. But I also imagined the reward at the end of that road. You see, I know what it takes to win the heart of my November people. And I realize, empirically, that I will be appreciated for that patience, that depth, that incredibly intense love I give, because they are the only other people on earth who are capable of feeling that kind of love. I simply believed you would be worth all the trouble I would subsequently cause for all other parties involved, and this is my cross. I am selfish, and at that time, I did not care. I just wanted my beautiful reward.
And oh, my God, when I shared this information with you, your reciprocity was electrifying. It was the next couple days that everything changed. I can only imagine that how you understood me to feel was too much for you to handle, which perplexes me to no end, as this is not what I am used to with my November people. When they realize how much I get them and love them, it's on...
You pulled a way.
Why?
I need to know why.
I need to understand why, after all this time and all I have proven to you, you still find it necessary to screw around with some flaky bitch who could potentially destroy your family, which, in fact, she did. Knowing me the way you do, knowing I would never do such a thing, never try to take you away from the mother of your daughter, knowing that I could have this separate affair of the heart with you, knowing that I am one of the smartest, strongest people you have ever known. Why on God's earth would you have this lengthy affair with this woman, keeping both of them in the dark, when you know that I love what piece of you that I have, and want your family to have their piece? Jesus, I can only imagine that you are hell bent on destroying your family on your own.
It makes me think you feel unworthy of the blessings bestowed upon you. Again, hard for me to understand this. You may be somewhat easily duplicitous, however, you project this image of confidence, so I cannot fathom you, of all of the people I know feeling unworthy. My friends like to explain you to me in this vein; you are more in love with you than you are with anybody else. I do remember looking in your eyes the first time you kissed me and being shaken to my very core at what I saw in those windows. You are young. What I saw was this little boy. The people who know you best see this, too. I am so tired of trying to explain to my people that they don't know you like I do, when in fact, their objectivity, which I lack, considerably, allows them to know you way better than I do. I have stood on file for you every single step of the way. The people who love me and know me best do understand that I love you, unconditionally. They just don't feel you are deserving of such love. I want to believe that that is why you keep me at arms length, but maybe I am the fool, here. Maybe you just don't give a fuck how I feel, or who I am, or what I'm capable of. Perhaps it simply makes no difference to you that I have mastered the art of resiliency.
I so badly want us to be able to live in the same world. I cannot understand why everyone thinks that makes no difference to you. Trust me, my beloved, I do not want to agree with them.
They reconcile my experience to a lesson. A lesson in love, so that I will know what love really is and just what I am capable of. They may be right. And that would be okay. Perhaps you are just my teacher, as you have been from the start. But there are these moments with you in which I am high in the knowledge of your advocacy. So how am I to believe that there is no love behind that. Why else would you do the things you do for me? Is this to keep me hanging on, so as to perpetuate your ego. You know what's funny about that concept? I would gladly perpetuate your ego, I would do whatever it takes to make you whole. What is said to me on that concept is that you are incapable of accepting or understanding that kind of love. They say they have seen you, time and time, again, throw down your charm, with reckless abandon, to get what you need. What I don't understand about their concept is that you don't have to do that. You already know that I love you and would always do whatever is necessary to make you know you are loved.
So what is the answer to my question?
What makes someone like Linzee so different from me?
How can you have this affair with her and not me?
I don't know whether or not I want you feel that it is because of what you know I am capable of or of that is because you are just incapable of wrapping your head around this kind of love. I find it so hard to allow myself to believe that you are the latter. Of course, I have always tried to be blind to your actions. Not because I am too weak to accept who you are. For God's sake, THAT is my strength. But because I want the person I love so completely to understand that kind of love. I love you and I want you to experience that kind of love. It has never been about me. It has always been about you and what I perceived to be your needs.
And here we are, all these months later. Your life has been destroyed. You are not with your daughter. You are not with the people who love you.
Why? Why, baby? What compels you to such destruction. When I watch you take the risks you do with everything that should be so priceless to you, I can't understand it.
I know I'll never change you. I wouldn't want to. I fell in love with you and your changing would be counterproductive to my Capricorn goals, but why?
Please just make me understand.
You once told me you wish I would have given you my college fund. That you could have provided me with this education. Well, fucking educate me...I'm tired of trying to figure things out, either on my own, or with my people constantly blowing my fucking mind with another one of your self imposed nightmares.
Whatever the case may be, I will always love you. I have always know you need my love, whether or not you want it. And that just is what it is.
Now that you have shed your second skin or regenerated your tail or whatever it is you Scorpios do to renew your existence, just know, that I will be here for you. And know that this is because I am the one worthy of allowing myself to love on this exponential level. As for you, I have always anticipated the wait...
-DeAnna
I have never encountered anyone like you in my life. I have heard about you. There are people out there who use the gifts they've been given to hurt people, or keep them at bay, or make up to themselves all their perceived wrongs in their life, or perhaps, they do not believe they are worthy of the goodness they are offered. Whatever the case may be, I've only heard about people like you. Generally, they are the people in the news, the monsters who have used their undeniable charm to convince others to do their bidding, the control freaks who finally get caught keeping women locked in the basement, because for one brief moment, they lost a little control, and began to trust their victim, thinking, as you do, said victim would never betray the trust you have given, because they feel they are so indispensable, the victim wouldn't turn them in, they needed their captor too much. There are the Ted Bundys of the world, who use their charm to lure their victims in, only to get off on the power they have, literally in their hands as they are choking the life out of their victim, getting back , in their own despicable way, at the women who have wronged them in the past. Then there are the people out there who hate themselves so much, they feed on the love they are shown by their victims. Without this so-called love, they would die. I suppose there are people in the world who only understand the love they have for themselves. It is themselves that they are in love with, simply incapable of loving anyone else.
Tell me you are different...
This is not the way I see you, but it is all everyone who knows us both sees. I know why you don't love me the way I love you. I am so good, so special, so amazing, so capable of loving my people unconditionally, that the gods would never allow you to love me back. THAT is what would be the death of me. Your love, in return, is what would surely kill me. Is that you, or is that magic. I know your love is a curse. Do you know this, or is it my angels looking out for me because they know that I cannot take one more tragedy. It must be them, because you are unfamiliar with my losses. You've never even attempted to understand what it is that has made the person who is capable of loving you so completely. It is all the loss, and all the wisdom gained from that loss that allows me to see past your indiscretions, and believe in you and trust you, and love you. I have always thought that you would not allow yourself to love me, because you had to keep a certain distance between us. That, for you, and even me, perhaps, it would just be too much. I have thought that you have these superficial relationships with others because those are the relationships that are the easiest for you to control, to handle. And you will not allow yourself to take me in because I'm different. Of course, if that were the case, that would only make me love you more.
I shall try to put this into perspective for you, knowing in my heart that you already know, and with great ambivalence in my doubt that you don't...
In the beginning, I recognized that you were one of them. Those people I let in because I know that they are the ones who will provide me the perpetual love I require to keep my demons at bay. I knew you were one of them, my November people. I have known them all my life and I know they are the only ones worthy of my love because they are the ones who love like I love. I was right about the birthday. I was not right, however, about you. I only saw what I wanted to see. Even though I saw all the signs and all of my people and even your people made it very clear to me who you were. To me. To them. Yes, oh yes, she told me from day one, you were her man. She was able to see my love for you way before you were. I just simply comforted myself with the knowledge I have gained from knowing all the others like you I know. I remember clearly understanding that this was an endeavor that would require a huge amount of time and energy. I knew I would be tested and observed. But I also imagined the reward at the end of that road. You see, I know what it takes to win the heart of my November people. And I realize, empirically, that I will be appreciated for that patience, that depth, that incredibly intense love I give, because they are the only other people on earth who are capable of feeling that kind of love. I simply believed you would be worth all the trouble I would subsequently cause for all other parties involved, and this is my cross. I am selfish, and at that time, I did not care. I just wanted my beautiful reward.
And oh, my God, when I shared this information with you, your reciprocity was electrifying. It was the next couple days that everything changed. I can only imagine that how you understood me to feel was too much for you to handle, which perplexes me to no end, as this is not what I am used to with my November people. When they realize how much I get them and love them, it's on...
You pulled a way.
Why?
I need to know why.
I need to understand why, after all this time and all I have proven to you, you still find it necessary to screw around with some flaky bitch who could potentially destroy your family, which, in fact, she did. Knowing me the way you do, knowing I would never do such a thing, never try to take you away from the mother of your daughter, knowing that I could have this separate affair of the heart with you, knowing that I am one of the smartest, strongest people you have ever known. Why on God's earth would you have this lengthy affair with this woman, keeping both of them in the dark, when you know that I love what piece of you that I have, and want your family to have their piece? Jesus, I can only imagine that you are hell bent on destroying your family on your own.
It makes me think you feel unworthy of the blessings bestowed upon you. Again, hard for me to understand this. You may be somewhat easily duplicitous, however, you project this image of confidence, so I cannot fathom you, of all of the people I know feeling unworthy. My friends like to explain you to me in this vein; you are more in love with you than you are with anybody else. I do remember looking in your eyes the first time you kissed me and being shaken to my very core at what I saw in those windows. You are young. What I saw was this little boy. The people who know you best see this, too. I am so tired of trying to explain to my people that they don't know you like I do, when in fact, their objectivity, which I lack, considerably, allows them to know you way better than I do. I have stood on file for you every single step of the way. The people who love me and know me best do understand that I love you, unconditionally. They just don't feel you are deserving of such love. I want to believe that that is why you keep me at arms length, but maybe I am the fool, here. Maybe you just don't give a fuck how I feel, or who I am, or what I'm capable of. Perhaps it simply makes no difference to you that I have mastered the art of resiliency.
I so badly want us to be able to live in the same world. I cannot understand why everyone thinks that makes no difference to you. Trust me, my beloved, I do not want to agree with them.
They reconcile my experience to a lesson. A lesson in love, so that I will know what love really is and just what I am capable of. They may be right. And that would be okay. Perhaps you are just my teacher, as you have been from the start. But there are these moments with you in which I am high in the knowledge of your advocacy. So how am I to believe that there is no love behind that. Why else would you do the things you do for me? Is this to keep me hanging on, so as to perpetuate your ego. You know what's funny about that concept? I would gladly perpetuate your ego, I would do whatever it takes to make you whole. What is said to me on that concept is that you are incapable of accepting or understanding that kind of love. They say they have seen you, time and time, again, throw down your charm, with reckless abandon, to get what you need. What I don't understand about their concept is that you don't have to do that. You already know that I love you and would always do whatever is necessary to make you know you are loved.
So what is the answer to my question?
What makes someone like Linzee so different from me?
How can you have this affair with her and not me?
I don't know whether or not I want you feel that it is because of what you know I am capable of or of that is because you are just incapable of wrapping your head around this kind of love. I find it so hard to allow myself to believe that you are the latter. Of course, I have always tried to be blind to your actions. Not because I am too weak to accept who you are. For God's sake, THAT is my strength. But because I want the person I love so completely to understand that kind of love. I love you and I want you to experience that kind of love. It has never been about me. It has always been about you and what I perceived to be your needs.
And here we are, all these months later. Your life has been destroyed. You are not with your daughter. You are not with the people who love you.
Why? Why, baby? What compels you to such destruction. When I watch you take the risks you do with everything that should be so priceless to you, I can't understand it.
I know I'll never change you. I wouldn't want to. I fell in love with you and your changing would be counterproductive to my Capricorn goals, but why?
Please just make me understand.
You once told me you wish I would have given you my college fund. That you could have provided me with this education. Well, fucking educate me...I'm tired of trying to figure things out, either on my own, or with my people constantly blowing my fucking mind with another one of your self imposed nightmares.
Whatever the case may be, I will always love you. I have always know you need my love, whether or not you want it. And that just is what it is.
Now that you have shed your second skin or regenerated your tail or whatever it is you Scorpios do to renew your existence, just know, that I will be here for you. And know that this is because I am the one worthy of allowing myself to love on this exponential level. As for you, I have always anticipated the wait...
-DeAnna
"TRAPPED"
Well it seems like I've fallen in your trap again...
Seems like I'll be wearin' the same old chains.
Good will conquer evil and the truth will set me free...
Good will conquer evil and the truth will set me free...
And I know some day I'll find the key-
Then I know somewhere I'll find the key
Then I know somewhere I'll find the key
Well it seem like I've been playin' your game way too long-
And it seems the game I played has made you strong...
But when the game is over, I won't walk out a loser...
I know some day I'll walk out of here again,
Some way I'll walk out of here again.
But now I'm trapped, oh yeah!
Trapped, oh yeah yeah!
Trapped, oh yeah!
Trapped, oh yeah!
Now it seems like I've been sleepin' in your bed too long...
And it seems like you've been meanin' to do me harm,
But I'll teach my eyes to see beyond these walls in front of me
And someday I'll walk outta here again-
Yeah I know some way I'll walk out of here again.
Trapped, oh yeah!
Now it seems like I've been sleepin' in your bed too long...
And it seems like you've been meanin' to do me harm,
But I'll teach my eyes to see beyond these walls in front of me
And someday I'll walk outta here again-
Yeah I know some way I'll walk out of here again.
But now I'm trapped, oh yeah!
Trapped, oh yeah yeah!
Trapped, oh yeah!Trapped, oh yeah!
Well it seem like I've been playin' your game way too long
And it seems the game I've played has made you strong
Because I'm trapped, oh yeah!
Trapped, oh yeah yeah!
Trapped, oh yeah yeah!
Trapped, oh yeah!
I'm trapped, oh yeah yeah!
Trapped, oh yeah yeah
Trapped, oh yeah
Trapped, oh yeah
I'm trapped.
Words and Music by Bruce Springsteen
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=K2eE9H7Nzww&list=PLAF17C1873F99FB53
Words and Music by Bruce Springsteen
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=K2eE9H7Nzww&list=PLAF17C1873F99FB53
Saturday, November 23, 2013
I look back on all those good times
We once shared and I must have been blind
Just to think I'd find someone new
One who'd love me better than you
Well it may come as a surprise
Loneliness has opened my eyes,
I've tried every love I could find,
Still I can't get you out of my mind
Cause there's no one in the world to hold me
No one in the world is gonna move me,
No one in the world
Can love me like you do baby
Every time I'm with someone
Loving you yes I want to run
I wanna run back to your arms again
No one in the world (no one in the world)
Loves me like you do
Are you happy now with your life
Well for me, I'm breaking inside
So self assured that I could not see
I had it all when you were with me baby
No one in the world is gonna hold me
No one in the world can move me
No one in the world can love me like you do baby
Every time I'm with someone
Loving you and I want to run
I wanna run back to your arms again
And no one in the world (no one in the world)
Loves me like you do
Please take me back
Oh babe, I can't go on
I'm not happy in my life without you
I'll do whatever it takes
I've got to get you back with me again
No one in the world (no one)
No one in the world (no body loves me like you)
No one in the world, (like, like, like you do baby)
You got the love I need
Everyone found the love that I need
And no one in the world
In this world
No one in the world
Anita Baker
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1hFCAE-HN_A
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