This is all just too much for me. I am not happy and I don't have any more room in my soul for unhappiness. Things are not the way they are supposed to be. If I could, for even a moment, reconcile that this was not the case, I would be okay. I'm strong. I've weathered storms most people only read about, but knowing the way things are supposed to be and having to deal with the painful fact that they are not is making my heart ache so badly, that I am having a physical reaction to it. Of course, it has always been this way. When I knew you were supposed to be here and didn't want you to, my head pounded. When you said we should do this, I felt so high, I couldn't breathe. When you were near me, I couldn't concentrate. When you cut my feelings with you sharp words, I bled. When I can't see you, I miss you like a junkie misses smack. When I do see you, butterflies dance in my stomach. When you kiss me, I am in another place, not of this earth. When you don't, I am lost. When I see you with her, I am devastated. None of this makes sense to me, because I get that you have this life, this other life that you refuse to admit to, to almost all of us, and I don't want you to walk away from your child. This is something I feel to my very core, but that you go home every night to this person who does not know you, understand you, does not share your desire for touch and passion, this person who thinks she can change you when she is part of the reason you are who you are, while at the same time knowing in my soul that I do know you, crave your touch, share your passion, and love the person that all the damage you have experienced has made you is twisting me up so badly on the inside that I have no choice but to walk away from you completely. Just another thing about you that causes a physical reaction that I cannot stand to feel any more. I know you love me. I know you do. It can only be this that will not let me walk away from you, no matter how much I try. I know you don't want to hurt me. I know that you don't want things to be so contentious. And I know you have no greater knowledge of how to handle these feelings than I. I also believe that you are afraid to actually love the woman you're with because you fear being hurt again. You have to know on some level that I love you way too much for that. I only see a future where my love heals you. Not changes you, certainly not hurts you, just heals you. I think you truly believe this person you live with is all you are worthy of. I know you don't love her. I have loved before and I would never have allowed the person I love to see the evidence of my other desires. It took me a really long time to understand why you kept my little note with the words of Emily Dickinson pinned to your desk, perpetually in your line of vision, where she could see this on a daily basis. Anyway, I digress...my point is not about her, I knew the day I met her that she was nothing spectacular, it is about me and my whole in-ability to love you or hate you. It's a lose, lose situation for me and I just cannot do this anymore. I wish I didn't love you, darling, I really, really do. Usually, I can make a wish like that come true relatively easily, however, for some magical reason that could apparently be chalked only up to fate, I cannot. Please don't make me walk away from you completely. It's like fucking with destiny and that cannot be a good thing. You have to talk to me. You have to tell me what is going on in that dark and surreptitious mind of yours. You have to know I'm worth it. You have to know that you are, too...