Regret

I am so fucking angry with myself, I have to write.
I said no to you. I have loved you for a million fucking years and I have prayed for that moment when you ascend the stairs and open the door to my bedroom by slamming me up against it, your tongue already half way down my throat. And then kiss me all the way to my bed. I have seen the passion in your eyes. I have felt the heat of your breath on my neck. I miss that feeling all the time. There are only two reasons I can think of for saying no; I either did it because I felt some sort of loyal obligation to a married man or I am so terrified to feel as happy as I would lying in your arms after the thrill of you has shaken me to my very core, that I can't say yes.
Please let it be the latter. I am free to love you. And I do. So no more no. Don't let me say no. I need you to help me break down the wall of self hatred I apparently feel for myself and don't let me say no to you. I never enjoy it, nor do I enjoy the consequences attached to it.
My god, the explosion when that energy collides.
DeAnna