Expectations...A New Year's Resolution
Expectations...I always thought we all had them, that's the way I grew up. My father had exceedingly high expectations for all of us children, even when we were adults. I grew up in a world where expecting things from people was normal. As an adult, however I find that expectations tend to ruin my relationships. I have this friend, she's the kindest soul I've ever met. She does things without expectation of reciprocity, and I'm so glad that she's in my life because currently she is my teacher. When I was sick and unable to care for my dog or my home, she stepped in without being asked and took care of my life when I was unable to. She expects nothing from me in return. I recently met her family over the Christmas holidays and they are all the same, just kind, loving, giving people. When I first got sick, I expected my daughter to step up and be there for me, comfort me, make things easier for me through one of the darkest periods of my life, but she was unable to do so and she told me,"Mom you expect too much from me". During my two month recovery I thought a lot about my daughter and her absence in my life at that time and I was so disappointed in her, but as I sit here on January 1st and think about New Year's resolutions, I find that I'm actually disappointed in myself. I did expect too much from my her. All of her life, she witnessed me expecting so much from all of my friends and family that I believe she was able to see things in me that I was not. My daughter has a family; two beautiful children and a husband hey has a full-time job and a huge house she has to care for, and somewhere along the line, my daughter's heart has been broken, and she was simply incapable of comforting me and being there for me, and I understand that now. Three and a half years ago, I met a man who I knew from the beginning was someone who I needed in my life. When I first met Alan, he did everything for me anytime I asked him to, however there was one thing I asked of Alan that he couldn't do, to love me the way I wanted him to. He's still in my heart and in my soul. This man, I believe is my shadow in terms of Carl Jung. I believe that Alan is the other half of me and in these three and a half years he has shown me parts of myself that I did not see, he has brought me to an understanding of my childhood, my father, myself, and after all of the things he's done for me, I have still expected something from him that he cannot give me. Even though we are a thousand miles apart, we are still friends and we do still talk deeply about these very issues. I told him that I loved him so much that anybody else who came into my life would pale in comparison and that he was the one that I wanted to be with, and that because I couldn't, my heart was broken. All Alan has ever really wanted from me is my friendship, and I am the one who has been incapable of doing just that. Am I disappointed in him? No. Again, I am disappointed in myself. I expected a lot of things out of my ex-husband when we were married. I expected him to make my life comfortable. I expected him to take care of me. I expected him to honor the entitlement I felt I deserved after such a rough life, and I expected him to be faithful. In the end of our marriage, I know it was obvious that I didn't love him the way I used to, but I still expected him to be faithful, and when he failed at that, again, I was disappointed and heartbroken, and he was shocked when I left. He didn't understand my expectations. Now I'm not saying that anyone should ever stay in a marriage when their husband has been unfaithful; marriage is completely subjective. I'm simply saying that when I was married to him, I expected something from him he couldn't give me, and when he couldn't, I got in my car with my dog and drove away. It's what I do. I run. 
I've always been a rebel, since I was a child. I didn't care what my father expected of me; I couldn't stand him, so I was going to do exactly the opposite of anything he ever wanted me to. My father couldn't give me what I wanted either, so when I was 16 years old, I left home. I am a runner, always have been. 
As I look back on my life, I realize that almost every relationship I've ever had, I've expected something from someone, and regardless of whether they could give me that or not, the point of the matter is that that is not what love is. Love it's just accepting people for who they are. I have to retrain my brain to accept people the way they are. Rather than facing up to why I was running, it felt so good to run, I just kept running, but there are people in my life now that I cannot run away from. I cannot run away from Alan, he's the other half of my soul and I promised him that I would always be here. I refuse to abandon him, yet I find myself having such a difficult time trying to communicate with him and connect with him and that is because I am the one who is unaware of how to handle this relationship. I don't want that to be the case. I want him in my life and I want to learn how to just simply give him the love that he needs without any expectation of reciprocity. I love my daughter, I don't want to run away from her either. I want to just accept my daughter for who she is and what she can give. I am sure that she is just as devastated by the fact that I cannot accept her for the person that she is, as I am. I want to love her, just love her. 
So here it is, New Year's Day 2017, and on this day I make this resolution to eschew all of my expectations and learn to love my people for who they are without expecting anything from them.
Happy new year, may we all muster the strength to do that which is hardest...keep those resolutions, because when we do, we are not just doing this for ourselves, we are also doing so for the people we hold the dearest.

~Deannalynn Arzola