Dearly Beloved-
It's so ironic, all the authors I've been drawn to, the songs I love from the very first chord, and, oh my Goddess, the people I simply cannot help falling in love with at first sight. The commonality absolutely floors me. And it inspires me. And feeds my soul. And heals my heart. Duplicity only you can understand, you people and authors and song writers with this inherent common denominator. I love you. I hate you. You make sense of it all. You drive me to the brink of insanity. You make me live. You make me want to submerge myself in the comfort of water until I can't hold my breath for one more second. You make me want to know you. You make me wanna walk away. I can only figure I'm so drawn to your contradictory magnetism because I truly love this beautiful mess. And oh, yeah, you're always worth the wait...

"A Beautiful Mess"
You've got the best of both worlds
You're the kind of girl who can take down a man,
And lift him back up again
You are strong but you're needy,
Humble but you're greedy
And based on your body language,
And shoddy cursive I've been reading
Your style is quite selective,
though your mind is rather reckless
Well I guess it just suggests
that this is just what happiness is
Hey, what a beautiful mess this is
It's like picking up trash in dresses
Well it kind of hurts when the kind of words you write
Kind of turn themselves into knives
And don't mind my nerve you could call it fiction
But I like being submerged in your contradictions, dear
'Cause here we are, here we are
Although you were biased I love your advice
Your comebacks ‒ they're quick
And probably have to do with your insecurities
There's no shame in being crazy,
Depending on how you take these
Words that paraphrasing this relationship we're staging
And what a beautiful mess, yes it is
It's like we're picking up trash in dresses
Well it kind of hurts when the kind of words you say
Kind of turn themselves into blades
And "kind and courteous" is a life I've heard
But it's nice to say that we played in the dirt
'Cause here, here we are, here we are
Here we are
We're still here
What a beautiful mess this is
It's like taking a guess when the only answer is "Yes"
Through timeless words and priceless pictures
We'll fly like birds not of this earth
And tides ‒ they turn ‒ and hearts disfigure
But that's no concern when we're wounded together
And we tore our dresses and stained our shirts
But it's nice today. Oh, the wait was so worth it. 

Words and Music by Jason Mraz
Sentiment by Deannalynn Arzola

"Building A Mystery"

You come out at night

That's when the energy come
And the dark side's light
And the vampires roam
You strut your rasta wear
And your suicide poem
And a cross from a faith
That died before Jesus came
You're building a mystery

You live in a church
Where you sleep with voodoo dolls
And you won't give up the search
For the ghosts in the halls
You wear sandals in the snow
And a smile that won't wash away
Can you look out the window
Without your shadow 
Getting in the  way
Oh, you're so beautiful
With an edge and a charm
But so careful
When I'm in your arms

'Cause you're working
Building a mystery
Holding on and holding it in
Yeah you're working
Building a mystery
And choosing so carefully

You woke up screaming aloud
A prayer from your secret god
You feed off our fears
And hold back your tears
Give us a tantrum
And a know it all grin
Just when we need one
When the evening's thin

You're a beautiful,
Beautiful fucked up man
You're setting up your
Razor wire shrine
Yeah, you're building a mystery...

Words and Music by Sarah Mclachlan

To Make You Feel My Love

When the rain is blowing in your face
And the whole world is on your case
I could offer you a warm embrace
To make you feel my love

When evening shadows and the stars appear
And there is no one to dry your tears
I could hold you for a million years
To make you feel my love

I know you haven't made your mind up yet
But I would never do you wrong
I've known it from the moment that we met
No doubt in my mind where you belong

I'd go hungry I'd go black and blue
I'd go crawling down the avenue
There ain't nothing that I wouldn't do
To make you feel my love

The storms are raging on a rolling sea
And on the highway of regret
The winds of change are blowing wild and free
You ain't see nothing like me yet
I could make you happy make your dreams come true
Nothing that I wouldn't do
Go to the ends of the earth for you
To make you feel my love

Words and Music by Bob Dylan

"I Love You"

I have a smile
stretched from ear to ear
to see you walking down the road

We meet at the lights
I stare for a while
the world around us disappears

And it's just you and me
on my island of hope
a breath between us could be miles

Let me surround you
my sea to your shore
let me be the calm you seek

Oh but every time I'm close to you,
there's too much I can't say...
and you just walk away

And I forgot
to tell you
I love you
and the night's
too long
and cold here
without you 

I grieve in my condition-
for I cannot find the words to say I need you so

Oh and every time I'm close to you
there's too much I can't say
and you just walk away

And I forgot
to tell you
I love you
and the night's
too long
and cold here
without you 

I grieve in my condition-
for I cannot find the words to say
I need you so bad

-Words and Music by Sarah Mclachlan

I don’t hate you.

I no longer trust you.

I gave you my honesty. I trusted you with a very big part of myself.

So of all the people I know in this town, you were the last person I would have imagined could hurt me so much.

I feel so much love here from every person I know, even people I don’t know, except you.

They are kind, and complimentary.

You are not.

To me, whom you know actually cares about you. You, the one person who actually knows how I feel about them.

You are the only person who never tells me I look great today. The only person who makes absolutely no effort to bring a little sunshine to my day. To my life. You make no effort.

I have lots of shit running around my head, too, but everyday, I make an effort.

To be kind, patient, understanding.

Of all the people here in this beautiful place, you are the person who hurts me. You.

How could I have been so wrong?

You make me regret my honesty and I regret nothing.

I am the one you chose to hurt.

You cannot fathom what a huge mistake that is on your part.

Not because I hate you.

Stupid.

Because I could have loved you.

Now, I cannot...

To Thine Own
Self Be True...

William Shakespeare wrote in his play, "Hamlet", a lovely little diddy about a prince so haunted by the murder of his father, he treats the only woman who loves him as if she were nothing more than a temporary distraction, accidentally kills her father, causing her suicide, lives to exact revenge on the uncle who killed his father, for which he finally does right before he takes his own life, "To thine own self be true, and it must follow, as the night the day, thou canst not be false to any man."
William Shakespeare had the gift of forethought that over shadows HG Wells and George Orwell combined. Four-hundred years ago, Sir William regaled us with his tales of jealousy and madness, revenge and love that is disallowed, and how women are undone by loving men and men are undone by their own lack of strength.
The very best words of wisdom ever spoken are "To thine own self be true and you can then be true to others".
Truth.
I believe it is inherently necessary to be true to yourself. It is not always the easiest thing to do and neither is always being truthful to others, but it is necessary.
Dream. Believe. Intuit. Trust. Understand.
Never regret your honesty. If you love someone, tell them. Everyone should know when they are loved.
Don't ever let anyone else make you regret your honesty. If they do, walk away.
Be patient until it hurts. Once it begins to hurt, to thine own self be true.

-Deannalynn Arzola

Why Everyone Should Get Stung

Cathern Freeman was born November 17, 1913, on the Gulf of Mexico. She was my grandmother on my father’s side. Mrs Freeman defined the word patience for me through the absolute experience of it, instilling in me the knowledge I would need one day to recognize that the best things in life almost always require waiting for and the ability to see from the start who those things are. She is the first person to alter the direction of my life in a positive and affirming manner. She is the first fellow traveler on my arachnid filled dark desert highway and she sowed the seeds of understanding in me that I would need for all the other self-protective, regenerative tailed mysterious creatures to come.

Soon after my daughter was born, I met a gal from Montana. Let’s just refer to her this way. She can see this writing and she knows who she is and when I needed to change my life once again, she came in and scooped me up. She took me in, no questions asked. She loved my daughter as much as I did. We moved to California from Texas in my '77 Caddy. We lived on the beach. We loved and we laughed and we lived our lives to the fullest. I still carry with me two quite wise and eloquent things this beautiful woman three years my junior said to me; “Expect nothing, and you’ll never be disappointed” and “It’s only the things you have to work really hard for that are worth it, anyway”. Montana was born on November 5, 1968.

In the midst of this period of my life, the nomad in me had me living in San Antonio, wher upon starting a new gig as a bartender, a beautiful man with black hair pulled up a stool, and once again, my life was changed. The mysterious and exponentially charismatic Arley Banks taught me all about football fields and basketball courts and the lesson from him which I carry, still, is; “Never be late, it’s the rudest thing you can be”. He was so complete and deep and 100% of everything a girl could want her man to be. He was loved by all who knew him. He bought me the Sedan de Ville I drove to Cali in and he was the first man I ever loved. The passion was so intense, it brought tears to our eyes. My favorite birthday party ever was his, at a fabulous supper club on a cool Halloween night.

One of my most enjoyable things to remember is my time on the Gore-Lieberman campaign. I was the volunteer coordinator and one of our political consultants was a mirror-shade wearing man who rocked a pair of Levi’s better than anyone I had ever seen. Bruce Springsteen introduced us, well, via a vintage concert shirt anyway. Adrian and I became friends thru the typical channels along Scorpio Highway. Somedays are diamonds, some days are dust. We listened to Bruce on top of a hill overlooking the Vegas Valley at sunset. We went to the drive-inn. We went to over-the-top political parties hosted extravagantly by the DNC. We drank the best wine. For my 36yh birthday, he flew me first class to New York. We danced at the Stone Pony and dined at Sardi’s. I fought to the death of my marriage for this friendship, and thankful that I did, for it has outlasted the former. When making more changes to my life, he was there. He listened to me cry, advised me on how to deal and forced me to recognize that I had known since 2000 that I could not continue my life with my husband, so stop freaking crying. “This was your decision, and you’ve been making it for 8 years!!!”. When I needed his help to move forward, he offered before I could ask. This man, whom I stood up for as he walked his beloved bride down the aisle, is the only person I have ever truly trusted with every part of my life, my heart and my soul. He has been my best friend since 2000, and while it is not that easy to take the shades off the face of a Scorpio, once you do, you are forever lost in windows to their soul.

When the political breakdown known as “W” began to take shape, and our candidate was not the clear winner, nor was the other one, I called Adrian the day after the election to wish him a happy birthday. (November 2, 1971.)

Right about the time the finishing touches were being put on the end of my 17 year journey with my husband, my daughter called me at work one night. Not on my cell, but at my job. I heard the phone ring at the front desk across the lobby from my bar. Something made me look that direction and literally watch the agent transfer the call to me. “Mom...” I remember clearly seeing her saying she was pregnant, from across 1200 miles. It was April, 2007. She was 5 weeks along. Inside of her she was carrying the little Scorpio who would completly change my life in ways that had never been attempted. Joshua was born on my grandmother’s birthday and I was there. This little man brought me home. He sparkles with every movement. He gives my daughter the totally unabashed, unconditional love that every woman should experience. My grandson is a Scorpio not yet damaged by life. This is truly a sight to witness. It’s up there with Jesus turning water into wine and the beauty of an unwounded Scorpio is the purest loyalty, trust and love you will ever see. Joshua, at 5, sits alone in his room, preoccupied with his own mystical thought and reasoning, then appears out of nowhere and expresses the greatest depth of love and words of ardor than one could ever expect. I believe Scorpios are born this way. They are born quite comfortable with in their own solitude. They are born passionate and sweet and kind. It must be the way the planets were aligned at the time of their conception. When their souls were recirculated. Then they live. And all of that love that they so freely wish to share becomes a heavy cross to bear and they experience pain and it is internalized and oft used as a weapon when it is withdrawn. It is not a character flaw, just a characteristic of the depth of their capacity to care so much and love so fully.

I am considerably thankful for my Scorpios. They have, without neary a close second, each and every one of them made the most significant impact on my life. They are why I am able to sit here today, a strong woman, able to take a chance on life and know how to navigate the rough waters that sometimes rise up to greet me with anticipatory angst. They continue to change my life in such an almost immeasurable way. They are easy to spot across a crowded room, because they are the ones who you just know are going to make all the difference. They do this without plan or forethought. It is their nature and for the most part, they are so busy dealing with their own pain with absolute and total focus, they don’t even realize what an impact they have made. I’m blessed for my ability to recognize them and be drawn to them. I have been taught by the very best of them on how to deal with them and while that does not really minimize the the exhaustion they cause with their gated communication and guarded nature, it surely makes it all worthwhile when you can sit back, comfortably and wait. Knowing that they will strike when they are ready is the buffer we must surround ourselves with while they go through their process and believing in the end result is the joy wherein we dwell.

I left my home and came to a mystical place where I feel a little more intuitive and I am not afraid. I walked into a room shortly after moving here, and a man was standing there. Tall and confident. When he looked at me and asked me my name, there was a slight electrical current that sort of stunned me a little bit. After everything I had been trhrough in the past few years, it wasn’t a feeling I easily recognized, but for some reason, I did recognize him. At this time I was at the very bottom rung of the ladder of my current life. When I needed to discuss this with someone whom I needed to trust and be open with, I talked to him. He fixed it. Knowing where I needed to be to succeed and make this new life work, I shared it with him. He made sure I was where I needed to be that day and when he said; “You need to start this thing tomorrow. Tomorrow.”, I listened, and again, my life was altered in the most significant way. I had watched him for some time. I saw this man’s strength, depth, wisdom, and I saw his sweetness, passion, kindness. He is duplicitously cloaked in surreptitiousness. When the chance presents and the mirrored shades are removed, his eyes are his windows. I could not help but be drawn to him. I had seen the signs throughout most of my life. He is quintessentially Scorpio. Humorously, getting his birthday out of him took three tries, but I needed the confirmation, nonetheless. Notoriously evasive with words screaming to come out, there is too much space between us. It can be a little intimidating, this depth of soul, even for this Capricorn. Soulful. With all my education on the subject, I still cannot handle this energy. All the knowledge cannot prepare you for when you know what you’re about to get yourself into. That if you open this door, you’ll never be able to close it again. It’s forever and it’s a more concentrated type of love and emotion than anything you experience with all of the other people you know. Knowing what is on the other side of this dusty desert road is almost too much to wrap your head around. I had to share this with him, as well. I’m not really sure exactly what kind of response I was anticipating, in fact, I don’t think I cared. I guess I knew somewhere in the back of my mind exactly what would happen, and while it is almost too much to bear some days, I had to have known what the end result would be. The initial reaction was magical, as it always is with a Scorpio. It’s so good with a Scorpio that that one ripple in your sea of calm is enough to sustain you until the next little power infused nugget comes your way.

Everyday, on some level, he changes my life. He continues to advocate on my behalf. In these little ways that no one else really sees as anything more than the required status quo. A little secret. It’s beautiful. He is beautiful.

How can one quantify with math and logic the magic that brought us to this place? It seems magical that I would be drawn to Oregon, a tip from Adrian, by the way; “You belong in Oregon!”, and drawn to our place of meeting and to know him, to have him in my life. How lucky am I??? And can one really explain to me how it is that I knew in November of 2012 that my daughter would be carrying around another Scorpio inside of her this year??? Another beautiful blessing from the Gods who know that I have encountered more than my share of deeply disturbed people. They bless me with Scorpios, because when you strip away everything else, down to the heart and soul of a being, it is the Scorpio who is the best of the best and these are my beautiful rewards for surviving all the rest of the population.

You make me want to escape under a warm cloud of smokey oblivion.

You are that smokey oblivion...

by- Deannalynn Arzola