Monday, April 7, 2014
The Fives A's
Walking out the door, hurriedly, this morning, I forgot to grab my plethora of bracelets. I use a plethora of them in a veiled attempt to hide my scars. Actually, I'm sort of proud of my scars, they are my battle scars. "Wounded deep in battle, I stand stuffed like some soldier, undaunted"...ahhh, favorite lines from one of the first Springsteen songs I ever heard. They are the scars of my most recent journey. They are my scars, ripped thru my delicate skin with five A's.
Apathy, Addiction, Agony, Anarchy, Accursedness
I have been thru many a battle in my time. All of them have left scars on my heart, the loss of my most beloved have left scars on my soul. The five A's have left scars on my skin. In all of my years I have never allowed such mutilation. I have been careful not to allow the desecration of my body.
Some wounds, most, in fact, heal. Some wounds leave scars. These wounds I have accrued as of late have left scars so prominently inside my soul, I carry them with me like a badge of self discovery. Some say a soul is an imaginary presence, something that is not real and empirical, like a heart, but I know my soul exists. Where it has been stabbed, there is pain. When there is absence of that piece of me that I feel as my emotionality co-mingles with my psyche, that loss leaves me cold on the inside of my chest. When that piece of me is present, that chill is replaced with fire. There are scars on my soul and they were inflicted by five A's...
Absence, Agony, Altering, Angst, Arachnid
I am stung by the very presence of the other half of me, and poison courses thru my veins and I must expel it immediately, before it kills me. I slide the blade across my tender flesh. Red. The color of you. The blood drips in rapid succession and I exhale. Some of the venom leaves and it is a temporary respite. The rest of the work must be done with my mind, one day at a time.
The scars inside are easily hidden and exponentially misunderstood. The scars on my flesh are easier to explain, and those who know of and have witnessed my battle have no problem with the reconciliation. That is a little harder for me to wrap my head around, so I am glad those scars are so visible to me. They remind me daily of the five A's that make up the map upon my wrist...
Advocacy, Amorous, Apparition, Anticipation, Anagram
Aa...an' a clear devil...
-by Deannalynn Arzola
Wednesday, April 2, 2014
"I Don't Want To Talk About It"
I can tell by your eyes that you've prob'ly been cryin' forever,
and the stars in the sky don't mean nothin' to you, they're a mirror.
I don't want to talk about it, how you broke my heart.
If I stay here just a little bit longer,
If I stay here, won't you listen to my heart, whoa, heart?
If I stand all alone, will the shadow hide the color of my heart;
blue for the tears, black for the night's fears.
The stars in the sky don't mean nothin' to you, they're a mirror.
I don't want to talk about it, how you broke my heart.
If I stay here just a little bit longer,
If I stay here, won't you listen to my heart, whoa, heart?
I don't want to talk about it, how you broke this ol' heart.
If I stay here just a little bit longer,
if I stay here, won't you listen to my heart, whoa, heart?
My heart, whoa, heart.
and the stars in the sky don't mean nothin' to you, they're a mirror.
I don't want to talk about it, how you broke my heart.
If I stay here just a little bit longer,
If I stay here, won't you listen to my heart, whoa, heart?
If I stand all alone, will the shadow hide the color of my heart;
blue for the tears, black for the night's fears.
The stars in the sky don't mean nothin' to you, they're a mirror.
I don't want to talk about it, how you broke my heart.
If I stay here just a little bit longer,
If I stay here, won't you listen to my heart, whoa, heart?
I don't want to talk about it, how you broke this ol' heart.
If I stay here just a little bit longer,
if I stay here, won't you listen to my heart, whoa, heart?
My heart, whoa, heart.
-Rod Stewart
If Rod hadn't written it first...
Every love song ever written...
I bite my lip and turn around...
Walk away???
You're in My Heart
-Rod Stewart
I didn't know what day it was
When you walked into the room
I said hello unnoticed
You said goodbye too soon
Breezing through the clientele
Spinning yarns that were so lyrical
I really must confess right here
The attraction was purely physical
I took all those habits of yours
That in the beginning were hard to accept
Your fashion sense, Beardsley prints
I put down to experience
The big bosomed lady with the dutch accent
Who tried to change my point of view
Her ad lib lines were well rehearsed
But my heart cried out for you
You're in my heart, you're in my soul
You'll be my breath should i grow old
You are my lover, you're my best friend
You're in my soul
My love for you is immeasurable
My respect for you immense
You're ageless, timeless, lace and fineness
You're beauty and elegance
You're a rhapsody, a comedy
You're a symphony and a play
You're every love song ever written
But honey what do you see in me
You're an essay in glamour
Please pardon the grammar
But you're every schoolboy's dream
You're Celtic, united, but baby I've decided
You're the best team I've ever seen
And there have been many affairs
Many times I've thought to leave
But i bite my lip and turn around
'cause you're the warmest thing I've ever found..."
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=v1qxJPzjObI
Every love song ever written...
I bite my lip and turn around...
Walk away???
You're in My Heart
-Rod Stewart
I didn't know what day it was
When you walked into the room
I said hello unnoticed
You said goodbye too soon
Breezing through the clientele
Spinning yarns that were so lyrical
I really must confess right here
The attraction was purely physical
I took all those habits of yours
That in the beginning were hard to accept
Your fashion sense, Beardsley prints
I put down to experience
The big bosomed lady with the dutch accent
Who tried to change my point of view
Her ad lib lines were well rehearsed
But my heart cried out for you
You're in my heart, you're in my soul
You'll be my breath should i grow old
You are my lover, you're my best friend
You're in my soul
My love for you is immeasurable
My respect for you immense
You're ageless, timeless, lace and fineness
You're beauty and elegance
You're a rhapsody, a comedy
You're a symphony and a play
You're every love song ever written
But honey what do you see in me
You're an essay in glamour
Please pardon the grammar
But you're every schoolboy's dream
You're Celtic, united, but baby I've decided
You're the best team I've ever seen
And there have been many affairs
Many times I've thought to leave
But i bite my lip and turn around
'cause you're the warmest thing I've ever found..."
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=v1qxJPzjObI
Sunday, March 30, 2014
"Shadow of the Day"
Linkin Park
I close both locks below the window
I close both blinds and turn away
Sometimes solutions aren't so simple
Sometimes good bye's the only way
And the sun will set for you
The sun will set for you
And the shadow of the day
Will embrace the world in grey
And the sun will set for you
In cards and flowers on your window
Your friends all plead for you to stay
Sometimes beginnings aren't so simple
Sometimes good bye's the only way
And the sun will set for you
The sun will set for you
And the shadow of the day
Will embrace the world in grey
And the sun will set for you
And the shadow of the day
Will embrace the world in grey
And the sun will set for you
And the shadow of the day
Will embrace the world in grey
And the sun will set for you
I close both blinds and turn away
Sometimes solutions aren't so simple
Sometimes good bye's the only way
And the sun will set for you
The sun will set for you
And the shadow of the day
Will embrace the world in grey
And the sun will set for you
In cards and flowers on your window
Your friends all plead for you to stay
Sometimes beginnings aren't so simple
Sometimes good bye's the only way
And the sun will set for you
The sun will set for you
And the shadow of the day
Will embrace the world in grey
And the sun will set for you
And the shadow of the day
Will embrace the world in grey
And the sun will set for you
And the shadow of the day
Will embrace the world in grey
And the sun will set for you
See ya later, asshole!!!
Dear Goddess,
For some time I have been blinded by addiction...the kind of addiction that seeps into one's soul, under one's skin. For it is not a powder, or a liquid, or a literal narcotic, but it is still very much a poison. It has replaced the aforementioned and it has blinded me. Throughout this painful time, you have protected me, by surrounding me with people who have advised against my partaking, and by disallowing the full immersion others have drowned in.
I thank you for my blessings, for they are many and they come in the form of friendship and patience and self discovery. I pray to you for the strength to learn from this experience and walk away from that which is harmful. I take with me the knowledge that this has been an important part of my journey and I feel stronger in my faith than I ever have, before...
Tarot-3/29/14
For some time I have been blinded by addiction...the kind of addiction that seeps into one's soul, under one's skin. For it is not a powder, or a liquid, or a literal narcotic, but it is still very much a poison. It has replaced the aforementioned and it has blinded me. Throughout this painful time, you have protected me, by surrounding me with people who have advised against my partaking, and by disallowing the full immersion others have drowned in.
I thank you for my blessings, for they are many and they come in the form of friendship and patience and self discovery. I pray to you for the strength to learn from this experience and walk away from that which is harmful. I take with me the knowledge that this has been an important part of my journey and I feel stronger in my faith than I ever have, before...
Tarot-3/29/14
Queen of Wands-Reversed (Significator)
General: In general, the Queen of Wands reversed can indicate that there may soon be a need for you to help out others who are having a problem of some kind
Tower-Reversed
Introduction: Whether reversed or upright, the Tower is a card about change. Just as with the cards “the Devil,” and “Death,” the Tower is not nearly as frightening or ominous as one might think from the depiction on the card in most decks. This is a time to roll with the changes. Holding on to tightly to things or people could well create serious difficulties for you and for your loved ones.
General: When the Tower shows in reverse, it is unfortunately still a possibility that some people/situations that you have counted on as being “there for you” may no longer be there in quite the same way. Try not to over-think this, it doesn’t have to indicate a major, horrible change in life. It’s just some change. Stay mindful of the reality that you either already have – or can get - all the resources you need, to deal with life and to do what you need to do.
World-Reversed
Spirituality: You are very much concerned with spirituality now (even if you don't have anything approximating a "traditional" religious belief. Make regular time, even if you don't attend a "traditional" house of worship - to quiet yourself and allow your spirit some time to expand. What matters here is the regularity of it - whether it's daily, weekly; whatever you can make time for. You will see changes in your life and outlook as a result of giving yourself this time
Work: You may find that a teacher or mentor of some sort that you have been needing appears in your life now…
King of Wands-Reversed
Introduction: The King of Wands reversed can signify a man who has been through a lot in his life, and as a result, he typically is warm, kind, and understanding toward others. He himself is likely to have a great deal of energy, but as he has matured, he has begun to understand that not everyone can match his pace. When the card does not signify a literal person in your life, it refers to feeling energetic and also to a tendency toward being lenient with others. If this is in regard to your children, think carefully whether leniency is the best response to them.
General: In general the King of Wands reversed is a positive card. People around you are likely to be kind, tolerant, and understanding. You should have more than enough energy to get what you need to do accomplished. Again, a light haired, older man may play an important and helpful role in your life.
Work: In the context of work the reversed King of Wands generally indicates helpful men, but it can also signify that one man in particular may tend to be condescending and patronizing toward you. Depending on the situation you may need to accept a certain amount of this, however if this man creates too much difficulty or becomes fully inappropriate toward you there may need to be a confrontation or action taken about it. You do not have to accept a hostile or fully inappropriate work situation. However, neither should you allow yourself to be too thin-skinned.
Love: The King of Wands reversed is a good omen with regard to love, especially if you are interested in an older man who is energetic, kind, and warm. Regardless of who you are interested in or involved with, this card indicates though that your beloved may need some time to think through what he or she needs and what they want to happen in your relationship. It's important that you be patient and open while they figure it out. Take one step at a time.
Queen of Pentacles
Love: In the context of love, this is a very feminine card, and also points to strategy, particularly for those who are not currently involved with anyone. The strategy to find love is the stereotypical feminine one; don't chase it, make yourself available, but do not be desperate to bring someone new into your romantic life. When the time is right, that will be made abundantly clear to you, and you won't have to do backflips to make something come about. Be upbeat, and know that you have many things in you which are worth loving.
Work: When you draw the reversed 7, you may be finding yourself feeling more and more dissatisfied with your current work. If that is the case, take the time and effort to figure out why this is, specifically. Be open minded about things that can change in your current situation (this may need to include that YOU need to change.) You may not need to leave your job. Think critically and charitably about others.
Love: It's important when you get this card in reverse in the context of love, that you realize that no relationship, and no person, is perfect. Neither are you, no matter how hard you try. If you are looking for love and continually coming up empty, consider the possibility that you have an unrealistic, idealized idea of what the "right" partner for you looks like. Real love goes well beyond superficial appearances.
Introduction: The reversed 4 of Cups is a card about breaking out of a self-imposed rut. You are about to find yourself getting moving again. That's a good thing.
General: When the 4 of Cups reversed appears, this is a time to begin to get moving. This is not the time to be pitying yourself or giving in to the "if only's." Start where you are, and know that no matter what is happening, you can make a difference. Count your blessings.
Work: You may finally be getting the get-up-and go to get yourself out of an unhappy work situation. Good for you. You can take your own life by the horns. Believe in yourself.
Love: You may finally be ready to move beyond the ghosts of your past and toward a brighter, happier love life in the future. Spend time thinking about what and who you really and truly need in your life. Look forward, not back.
Saturday, March 29, 2014
Brilliant Disguise
-Bruce Springsteen
I hold you in my arms
as the band plays
What are those words whispered baby
just as you turn away
I saw you last night
out on the edge of town
I wanna read your mind
To know just what I've got in this new thing I've found
So tell me what I see
when I look in your eyes
Is that you baby
or just a brilliant disguise
as the band plays
What are those words whispered baby
just as you turn away
I saw you last night
out on the edge of town
I wanna read your mind
To know just what I've got in this new thing I've found
So tell me what I see
when I look in your eyes
Is that you baby
or just a brilliant disguise
I heard somebody call your name
from underneath our willow
I saw something tucked in shame
underneath your pillow
Well I've tried so hard baby
but I just can't see
What a woman like you
is doing with me
So tell me who I see
when I look in your eyes
Is that you baby
or just a brilliant disguise
from underneath our willow
I saw something tucked in shame
underneath your pillow
Well I've tried so hard baby
but I just can't see
What a woman like you
is doing with me
So tell me who I see
when I look in your eyes
Is that you baby
or just a brilliant disguise
Now look at me baby
struggling to do everything right
And then it all falls apart
when out go the lights
I'm just a lonely pilgrim
I walk this world in wealth
I want to know if it's you I don't trust
'cause I damn sure don't trust myself
struggling to do everything right
And then it all falls apart
when out go the lights
I'm just a lonely pilgrim
I walk this world in wealth
I want to know if it's you I don't trust
'cause I damn sure don't trust myself
Now you play the loving woman
I'll play the faithful man
But just don't look too close
into the palm of my hand
We stood at the alter
the gypsy swore our future was right
But come the wee wee hours
Well maybe baby the gypsy lied
So when you look at me
you better look hard and look twice
Is that me baby
or just a brilliant disguise
I'll play the faithful man
But just don't look too close
into the palm of my hand
We stood at the alter
the gypsy swore our future was right
But come the wee wee hours
Well maybe baby the gypsy lied
So when you look at me
you better look hard and look twice
Is that me baby
or just a brilliant disguise
Tonight our bed is cold
I'm lost in the darkness of our love
God have mercy on the man
Who doubts what he's sure of
I'm lost in the darkness of our love
God have mercy on the man
Who doubts what he's sure of
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