Thirteen Reasons Why

So I had the opportunity to binge watch "Thirteen Reasons" over the weekend. It is haunting me, presently. Many things have been said about this thirteen part series on Netflix; some positive, some negative. No one ever really wants to take at look at the ugliness of humanity, most especially when it is our children who are going through some of the darkest parts of evolution. While I would never advocate suicide, especially in teenagers, I do recognize hopelessness, and every single person on this earth best understand what hopelessness looks like, because that's when suicide happens. And hopelessness, by the way, is subjective.
This series is art imitating life with creative licence, but the thing about this story is that this is what our children face every day. And also understand this, I'm not just talking to the parents of a child who is being bullied; I'm talking to the parents of the bullies. Pay attention. You should be able to see that your son is a rapist, for instance.
Nevertheless, watch this show. Watch it back to back. There is no magic here. She is not miraculously saved. She's still dead...

~Deannalynn Arzola.

I love you Emily Dickinson but... 

Hope is a double-edged sword 
That stabs you in the soul 
And kills the thing with feathers 
It is no joke at all.

~ Deannalynn Arzola 

NARCISSISTIC ABUSE SYNDROME 


Victims/Survivors of narcissistic abuse have recognized anxiety issues due to being beaten, belittled, socially isolated and forced to lie about what is going on behind closed doors. 
These lifelong issues require medications that treat anxiety and C-PTSD, and they leave the patient tired and discombobulated. Intense psychotherapy is necessary, so as to retrain the patient's brain to think positively and fearlessly. Jobs are extremely difficult to hold down, as being a survivor of this type of abuse is not just a cluster of symptoms; it's who the patient actually IS. 
Where do we go from here? C-PTSD/narcissistic abuse syndrome need to be recognized as a life-minimizing illness and must be covered under the Social Security and Affordable Care Acts, affording the patient a well-rounded healing experience. 
http://flyingmonkeysdenied.com/2017/03/07/anxiety-disorders-typically-caused-by-exposure-to-narcissistic-abuse/?utm_campaign=shareaholic&utm_medium=google_plus&utm_source=socialnetwork

A Spell For Luck

Imagine you're in a field of clovers. Now bend down and pick a four leaf clover.

Next, chant the following:

The winds of change I feel tonight
The waters are calm and the sky is bright
Luck be mine, come into me
My desires are true,
So mote it be

*Use Magick wisely...it is not intended for personal gain. This is an envisioning spell. When you envision something, you are seeing yourself in this position. If you have good luck from a spell cast, always, always, always pay it forward.

Blessed be

I grew up in your average middle class home in white America. I don't mean to imply that domestic violence only exists in a subculture, in fact, that is my point. I was beaten with a paddle fashioned with holes, for more impact, by my father. He kicked me, bloodied my nose, split my lip, pushed me, threatened me, belittled me, disregarded me, did not love me, isolated me, blamed me, lied about me, slapped me, abandoned me, tortured me physically, mentally and socially. He terrified me, causing untreated gastric upset, trauma, stress, and fear. He pulled his wife into his scheme, which she seemed to enjoy. He manipulated his brothers and sisters into believing that I was the problem. When school staff saw the bruises he and his wife left on me, he lied, and threatened me with my life that I lie, as well. No one had a clue what was happening to me behind his closed doors. If my family believed him, so too, would the police. If my teachers believed him, so too, would nurses and doctors. He did all of this to me before my 16th birthday. One family member, my uncle, did believe me, and took me in, in a different city. The abuse perpetrated by my father was coming to light, his mask was slipping, so he upped his campaign, and began telling family that I was a bad seed, born of my crazy mother. To this day, this is what some of his family believe, when in fact, his emotional manipulation of my mother drove her to drink and subsequently take her life.
The reason I pointed out the fact that my father is white and middle class is because in our country, domestic violence carries a certain stigma, a racial and socioeconomic stigma. I am here to tell you that abuse does not discriminate, and neither should society. Look beyond the pretty lawns and cookie cutter homes of suburbia, open the door wide and step inside. People who live in homes like mine are less inclined to leave with outside assistance because no one believes that this story could be true in a "family like that". That is just as dangerous as assuming that a black man in a lesser socioeconomic environment must be abusive.
Understand this, abuse is an equal opportunity destroyer. When someone tells you that they need help, they have already grappled with their reality; that they may not be believed, that their abuser has already "smear campaigned" them to EVERYONE, the fear of being discovered by their abuser, the depth of the truth surrounding them, their abuser is not capable of love, this is about control, the illusion is just that, illusion. They have gone through the stages of grief that the person they love is a monster. They have been stripped bare and asking for help is the last resort. Believe them. Do research for them. Help them. They, for a hundred reasons, don't want to ask, they have to. Help them.
Evil prevails when good men do nothing.
Deannalynn Arzola
#NoMore

Better Man

Better Man
by Little Big Town
words by Taylor Swift

I know I’m probably better off on my own
Than lovin' a man who didn’t know
What he had when he had it
And I see the permanent damage you did to me
Never again, I just wish I could forget when it was magic
I wish it wasn’t four am, standing in the mirror
Saying to myself, you know you had to do it I know
The bravest thing I ever did was run

Sometimes, in the middle of the night, I can feel you again
But I just miss you, and I just wish you were a better man
And I know why we had to say goodbye
Like the back of my hand
And I just miss you, and I just wish you were a better man
A better man

I know I’m probably better off all alone
Than needing a man who could change his mind at any given minute
And it’s always on your terms
I’m hanging on every careless word
Hoping it might turn sweet again
Like it was in the beginning
But your jealousy, I can hear it now
You’re talking down to me like I’ll always be around
You push my love away like it’s some kind of loaded gun
Boy, you never thought I’d run

Sometimes, in the middle of the night, I can feel you again
But I just miss you, and I just wish you were a better man
And I know why we had to say goodbye
Like the back of my hand
And I just miss you, and I just wish you were a better man
A better man
Better man

I hold onto this pride because these days it’s all I have
And I gave you my best and we both know you can’t say that
You can’t say that
I wish you were a better man
I wonder what we would’ve become
If you were a better man
We might still be in love
If you were a better man
You would’ve been the one
If you were a better man
Yeah, yeah

Sometimes, in the middle of the night, I can feel you again
And I just miss you, and I just wish you were a better man
And I know why we had to say goodbye
Like the back of my hand
And I just miss you and I just wish you were a better man
We might still be in love, if you were a better man
Better man

https://youtu.be/ph9NQ8ASmX4

Expectations...A New Year's Resolution
Expectations...I always thought we all had them, that's the way I grew up. My father had exceedingly high expectations for all of us children, even when we were adults. I grew up in a world where expecting things from people was normal. As an adult, however I find that expectations tend to ruin my relationships. I have this friend, she's the kindest soul I've ever met. She does things without expectation of reciprocity, and I'm so glad that she's in my life because currently she is my teacher. When I was sick and unable to care for my dog or my home, she stepped in without being asked and took care of my life when I was unable to. She expects nothing from me in return. I recently met her family over the Christmas holidays and they are all the same, just kind, loving, giving people. When I first got sick, I expected my daughter to step up and be there for me, comfort me, make things easier for me through one of the darkest periods of my life, but she was unable to do so and she told me,"Mom you expect too much from me". During my two month recovery I thought a lot about my daughter and her absence in my life at that time and I was so disappointed in her, but as I sit here on January 1st and think about New Year's resolutions, I find that I'm actually disappointed in myself. I did expect too much from my her. All of her life, she witnessed me expecting so much from all of my friends and family that I believe she was able to see things in me that I was not. My daughter has a family; two beautiful children and a husband hey has a full-time job and a huge house she has to care for, and somewhere along the line, my daughter's heart has been broken, and she was simply incapable of comforting me and being there for me, and I understand that now. Three and a half years ago, I met a man who I knew from the beginning was someone who I needed in my life. When I first met Alan, he did everything for me anytime I asked him to, however there was one thing I asked of Alan that he couldn't do, to love me the way I wanted him to. He's still in my heart and in my soul. This man, I believe is my shadow in terms of Carl Jung. I believe that Alan is the other half of me and in these three and a half years he has shown me parts of myself that I did not see, he has brought me to an understanding of my childhood, my father, myself, and after all of the things he's done for me, I have still expected something from him that he cannot give me. Even though we are a thousand miles apart, we are still friends and we do still talk deeply about these very issues. I told him that I loved him so much that anybody else who came into my life would pale in comparison and that he was the one that I wanted to be with, and that because I couldn't, my heart was broken. All Alan has ever really wanted from me is my friendship, and I am the one who has been incapable of doing just that. Am I disappointed in him? No. Again, I am disappointed in myself. I expected a lot of things out of my ex-husband when we were married. I expected him to make my life comfortable. I expected him to take care of me. I expected him to honor the entitlement I felt I deserved after such a rough life, and I expected him to be faithful. In the end of our marriage, I know it was obvious that I didn't love him the way I used to, but I still expected him to be faithful, and when he failed at that, again, I was disappointed and heartbroken, and he was shocked when I left. He didn't understand my expectations. Now I'm not saying that anyone should ever stay in a marriage when their husband has been unfaithful; marriage is completely subjective. I'm simply saying that when I was married to him, I expected something from him he couldn't give me, and when he couldn't, I got in my car with my dog and drove away. It's what I do. I run. 
I've always been a rebel, since I was a child. I didn't care what my father expected of me; I couldn't stand him, so I was going to do exactly the opposite of anything he ever wanted me to. My father couldn't give me what I wanted either, so when I was 16 years old, I left home. I am a runner, always have been. 
As I look back on my life, I realize that almost every relationship I've ever had, I've expected something from someone, and regardless of whether they could give me that or not, the point of the matter is that that is not what love is. Love it's just accepting people for who they are. I have to retrain my brain to accept people the way they are. Rather than facing up to why I was running, it felt so good to run, I just kept running, but there are people in my life now that I cannot run away from. I cannot run away from Alan, he's the other half of my soul and I promised him that I would always be here. I refuse to abandon him, yet I find myself having such a difficult time trying to communicate with him and connect with him and that is because I am the one who is unaware of how to handle this relationship. I don't want that to be the case. I want him in my life and I want to learn how to just simply give him the love that he needs without any expectation of reciprocity. I love my daughter, I don't want to run away from her either. I want to just accept my daughter for who she is and what she can give. I am sure that she is just as devastated by the fact that I cannot accept her for the person that she is, as I am. I want to love her, just love her. 
So here it is, New Year's Day 2017, and on this day I make this resolution to eschew all of my expectations and learn to love my people for who they are without expecting anything from them.
Happy new year, may we all muster the strength to do that which is hardest...keep those resolutions, because when we do, we are not just doing this for ourselves, we are also doing so for the people we hold the dearest.

~Deannalynn Arzola