Clandestine:
Webster's defines clandestine as  the practice of hiding information from certain individuals or groups, perhaps while sharing it with other individuals or characterized by, done in, or executed with secrecy or concealment, especially for purposes of subversion or deception; private or surreptitious.

Surreptitious has most recently been one of my favorite words. Clandestine comes to mind as I have recently been thinking of all the wonderful journeys I have been on in my life. Many of my friends are where I  was 25 years ago and I am sort of watching them from the sidelines, ref stripes on my shirt and whistle in hand. It is quite enjoyable being available to my younger friends, whose ages are very close to that of my own beloved daughter, but this is not really my point.
What has me thinking about the definition of clandestine is where I'm at in my life these days. I find great pleasure expounding the virtues of my truly magnificent marriage. I really did live this beautiful life, full to the hilt of domestic bliss. My remarkable husband came into our lives when my daughter, Nich, was five years old. He raised her with love, respect and trust and as I sit here and write this, tears come to my eyes, as this man is, and probably more than me, responsible for the mature and fully functioning adult my daughter is.
When it was time to move on from this journey, he and I were able to separate ourselves from one another and this is something we both deserved from each other, as we had given each other all the love throughout that we possibly could have. For all the things that David did for me, all of his patience and love and guidance, he deserves to live his third act the way he wishes. And so do I.
Having been blessed already, with domesticity, I am kind of eying the great American love affair. I have grown up in front of the silver screen and it is my great ambition to write a wickedly awesome screenplay for my favorite director, Tim Burton, so movies have enthralled  me my entire life...Some great American love affairs would be to me; Casablanca: Beautiful Princess walks into a bar...does she marry the King of Czechoslovakia, or have her love affair with her hot and sexy bar keep? At this point in my life, I'm goin' with the latter. Gone With the Wind comes to mind: As Scarlett's beloved Atlanta burns to the ground, all she can think about is lookin' good for her man. How about Ghost? Now that's love, baby...I'm coming back from the dead and jumping inside a crazy black woman just so I can touch you one more time.
Ahhh, the love affair. This is my definition: A gorgeous man walks into my life. I look at him in an entirely different context than what I have before in regards to my past fellas. I am not looking for a husband. I am looking for a lover. A man who will ravish me unabashedly and connect with me deeply. He is still all the things I admire in a man. I mean after all, if it works, why fix it? So he is smart and confident and intense and deep. His birthday is probably gonna be in November, because, as I told my girlfriend, whose birthday is in November, number one, can one ever really be married to a Scorpio, I mean, the intensity may just kill you, and two, as an honorable woman, to some degree, I wouldn't want to take one off the market. That's just not nice to my fellow females. So Mr. November will most definitely fit the bill.
 This is my love affair, so it will be filled with incredible passion. An analogy would be; I grew up on the grounds of Astroworld. I saw allot of amazing concerts there. The joy, however, did not necessary lie in the end result. It was the fun during the day, the excitement of having waited in line for an hour and a half to ride the Cyclone and being next in line. The clicking of the coaster, slowly making it's ascent and then the drop. The whole day, to me, is worth that first drop. The sex is dirty and secretive and almost embarrassing, it does not, however, consist of the cap being left off the toothpaste. I will never ask him politely, to please hang his Levi's on the chair. The benefit of the love affair, as opposed to the marriage, is the ripping off of said Levi's. They can land wherever the hell they want!
I know that this is something I am capable of and it is truly what I desire. A love affair of my heart and of my mind, but most importantly of my soul. While this man would be my soul mate, it is in an entirely different context. Am I asking too much? You see, the problem with this prerequisite is that not everyone is at the same place in their lives. What is one to do if the object of her affection is not in this same place?
Here in lies my word...
Clandestine.
A love affair, should  by all accounts be surreptitious, secretive, private. Surely the secrecy surrounding the love affair makes it all the more exciting. Is it okay to be selfish and just enjoy the fruits of one's labor for having been a good wife and mother? Please understand, that while my great American love affair certainly serves to please me, and mostly me, I do still have scruples and a married man will absolutely never do, I do, however, kinda think that a man who can commit his body and soul to me while at the same time committing his heart and his time to his domesticity is kinda hot...

Surreptitious.
I seem to have this sort of addictive affinity for mystery. This is a little odd for a gal who finds great joy in the planning of every little detail. This mystery seems to be perpetually tethered to the kind of man I am attracted to. With incredible depth comes an almost honor code in the secrecy of said depth. And that is OK. It is quite a sight to see this person with whom you want to simply consume on a purely carnal level, know he is not readily available, however, know that all the things that you have been drawn to are all the things that he espouses and wonder if this great American love affair can ever really be. This is a man, I have come to understand, who's greatest joy is the realization that he is understood, for all the amazing things he does to help the people he cares about, and for the depth and intensity that he is capable of. I see in him that everything he does is on such a larger scale than anyone else I know, and to see him come to the realization that I am one of the few people able to really reconcile that this is a gift in and of it's self, is one of the greatest joys of my so-called new life! How am I effected by the whole"executed with secrecy or concealment" thing, you ask? Well, this particular creature is all about the execution in secrecy...
And that is what draws me to him, even more.
I decided recently, that I would make a promise to myself, for his benefit, as well, that I would be more selfish. More surreptitious. I chose this promise because it is a promise I know he can understand on a very spiritual level. 
Share with me your wisdom on the ins and outs of  surreptitiousness, my love. This is an art form of which I am lacking.
Give to me my clandestine, great American love affair, and I will gladly pay you $60,000. It is, I'm sure, an education worth every penny, every second and every single secret...

-by Deannalynn Arzola