The Judgement Card

It has been recently brought to my attention that in regards to love, this is a time to get very, very clear about what I want out of life and out of my relationships, and then take steps to make it come about.
Certainly it is not myself to whom I must be clear, it is my loves. Certainly, I'm sure...
Perhaps as I try to articulate what it is I want (figuratively) to them, I will, indeed gain my own clarity,
What I want for myself is to enjoy my new found sense of freedom. I have been in a relationship in some form or another pretty much my entire life; daughter of an alcoholic manic depressive, granddaughter, step daughter, girlfriend, lover, mother, fiance, wife, mother, grandmother, mother. My lovely daughter, albeit quite difficult, has gifted me some freedom to explore this part of me. My daughter, my grandchildren, my lovers, all at arms length. It's not so lonely. God knows I have felt far lonelier in the midst of some of my aforementioned relationships than I ever have up here in Oregon, by myself. I enjoy spending time with my lovers. My time, on my clock. If I ever do get married again, that is what I will be sacrificing for love. The me time I miss, the one thing I miss from my childhood. My future husband will have to really make me want to spend that kind of time with him. Best wishes...
What I want from my lovers is as diverse as they are.
The first one knows me very well. He understands why I am what I am, ie, why I use the words I use, why I feel the way I feel. What I want from him is my ability to see him. See him when I'm out to sea, on an inner-tube, tethered perpetually to his yacht, I just have to know he's there. I HAVE to know he's there. I have only one rule in regards to him: trust me. The rest will fall easily into place.
The second one really doesn't know me at all. He does, however, go out of his way to try. The sex is truly amazing. I apologize for the frankness, but at this stage of my life, I'm incredibly fortunate to find sex so desirable and to have too lovers who dive right in to draw my passion to the surface. What I need from him is his warmth, his presence, just his being there for me when I need him to be, to make me laugh and call me things like princess and beautiful. The only real rule I have in regards to him is that he leave me to my own devices when it comes to lover number one. I will love him (# 1) forever, God knows I've tried to walk away. I concede. Number two must do so as well. Number one is number one.
Right now, I'm happy I have two lovers. They are both beautiful and different and love me in their own, unique way.
In the future, I don't know. I do know that I have loved number one forever, and I know why he is what he is and I love him for this. I know I will love him forever. He promised to never let loose the tethering. As long as he's there, I'll be okay. I'll take the steps to make that happen although I know I will never ask him to change his life or himself.
In regards to the future, I'm sure it's just the same as the past; shit happens...

-DeAnnalynn Arzola