Letting Go Is Not So Easy

           Letting Go Is Not So Easy

Letting go is not so easy
Of the charming words
You say to please me

Letting go is not so easy
Of your wicked kisses
How they tease me

Letting go is not so easy
Of this addiction 
That has seized me

Illusion, memories
I beg to break free
But letting go is not so easy

by Deannalynn Arzola 

Photography by Deannalynn Arzola December 2015

Do Parents Make a Narcissist?

Do Parents Create Narcissists?

One day, my boss was being his usual overaccomodating self when I said, "Thank god for you, Norman. " He replied, "God has nothing to do with it." "Who does?", I asked, in response. "My parents.", he said proudly.
Some time later, I began dating Norman. In the beginning of our relationship, two major events occurred; one, he was terribly flattering ("You're bewitching", he would say as he gazed longingly into my eyes.) and two, as he sat across the table from me in one if my favorite Beaverton restaurants, he said to me, "My ex-wife says I'm a narcissist."
The flattery and charm wore off after about a month, and sure as the sun will cross the sky, the narcissistic behavior ensued.
I met his parents. His father is a retired plastic surgeon (insert narcissism joke, here), and his mother, actually, I'm not sure what she did; I believe she was a teacher. Nevertheless, one of his sisters suffers from Borderline Personality Disorder and the other two keep their secrets to themselves.
When Norman told me his parents were the reason he is the man he is, he was being uncharacteristically honest, as he was when he said his partner of twenty-three years (she is a behavioral science major, by the way) believes him to be a narcissist.
My two and a half year long journey with Norman taught me a lot about human behavior. Listen to people when they tell you who they are and why. Oh, and if your boyfriend is nicer to the hostess than he is to you, run in the opposite direction as fast as you can!

Deannalynn Arzola
(such a healthier, stronger, and wiser person these days.)

           Sociopathy and Addiction

I wrote about this very early on in my sociopathic love affair in my post , "Addiction". 
I've often wondered why it has been so difficult to walk away. I've often equated this love affair with my addiction to narcotic pain medication. The only difference is that the day I woke up and decided to stop taking the meds, they didn't say to me, "Are you sure you wanna walk away?", as my sociopath did, every time I tried. 
Having overcome my addiction to opiates, I have occasionally partaken, and I am now strong enough to take the medication responsibly, however, I believe this is not the case when your addiction is a person. 
There is a very sensible reason behind the term, "No contact". It's sad, unfortunate, but necessary. 
This photo comes from Pinterest.com, posted by Michelle Duran (NARC Files, Case #C469) from the blog, Karin's World (Narcissistic Sociopath Part 14)

-Deannalynn Arzola 

Ten Rules For Keeping Psychopaths Out of Your Life by Jay Anthony

http://www.lovefraud.com/2015/11/21/10-rules-for-keeping-psychopaths-and-cluster-bs-out-of-your-life/

The Best Advice

                      The Best Advice 


I was thinking about some of the best advice anyone ever gave me; I'll get to that in a moment. 
As I sit here reconciling the darker parts of my human experience, it occurs to me why most people are so shocked by the things humans can do to one another. Everyone lies a little. Everyone manipulates a little. Everyone has at one time or another, taken something that did not belong to them. Many partners slip up and give in to temptation, cheating on their beloved. Yes, their beloved. 
That being said, I find it is not in average human nature to lie about everything. It's not in our nature to intentionally manipulate situations in our favor, with reckless abandon. It is not in our nature to present to the world a polished existence while behind closed doors, evil runs rampant. It is in our nature to abolish evil, to actually repair damage rather than perpetuate it, deceptively. 
When the average human witnesses this aforementioned negative behavior, we are shocked. It is in the reconciliation of said shock that we learn, and if having been a victim of said behavior, we begin to heal. Unfortunately, we tend to resurface with a hardened heart, but that is through no fault of our own; it's just a negative subsequence that goes along with the rest of the damage left in the wake of those who do harm with no concept of consequence. 
We want to shove that experience in a box and get past it, which brings me back to that eloquent advice, "You can't get past that type of grief, dear. You must get through it." 
Yes, we are the ones that have to fumble our way through their bullshit, but that just makes us stronger and wiser and eminently better than them. And we'll pass on the knowledge of them, so as to minimize their victim pool. And we will be blessed and rewarded and happy. So guess what? 
We win! 

-Deannalynn Arzola 

Love Songs for a Sociopath (I know, it's antithetical to have the words 'love' and 'sociopath' in the same sentence, but...)

After very recently saying goodbye
to my sociopath, I compiled a playlist that helped me get through the dark times, the moments when I just wanted to pick up the phone and call him, because sometimes it's easier to live within the illusion than to face up to it.
The songs are in order of the worst part of him to the best part of me. 
It's your life, darling, take it back! 
-Deannalynn Arzola 



1) Serial Killer-Lana Del Rey
https://youtu.be/JsMUm3PpdHE

2) Fake-Alexander O'Neal
https://youtu.be/kjD7jEcFv5o

3) Cold Hearted-Paula Abdul
https://youtu.be/o7aShcmEksw

4) Eyes Without a Face-Billy Idol
https://youtu.be/BKmldYSDJaM

5) Creep-Radiohead
https://youtu.be/uo92iIPOYY4

6) Behind Blue Eyes-The Who
https://youtu.be/Qg_TRaiWj4o

7) Better Man-Pearl Jam
https://youtu.be/lWzLgWWu5wU

8) Possession-Sarah McLachlan
https://youtu.be/9dADn6KDS-s

9) You're Beautiful-James Blunt
https://youtu.be/nX1VeFBo9AQ

10) Part of Me-Katy Perry 
https://youtu.be/2Fko7_SV3Lc

11) Breath Me-Sia
https://youtu.be/SFGvmrJ5rjM

12) It's My Life-No Doubt
https://youtu.be/ubvV498pyIM

How to Avoid the Empathy Trap

How to Avoid the Empathy Trap

This is the best article I have ever read regarding empathy. It begs to be shared and it is helpful not only to those who lack empathy, but those who espouse an overabundance of it, as well.
It appeared in Psychology Today.
Enjoy,
Deannalynn

Morning ~ Night

Dawn breaks
And I belong to you
Tethered by invisible chains
Bound by the beauty
Of my conviction

The passion in your prose
Unmerciful
Tears fall upon the pages
Hard and sharp
Like a desert monsoon

My best, never good enough
Like an illusionist, I break free
From my watery grave
And the snow falling on cedars
Is my beautiful reward

-Deannalynn Arzola

Some more recent snaps ~ Photography by Deannalynn Arzola