"The Doppelganger Theory"

by Deannalynn Arzola

There seem to be a few different meanings attached to the term "Doppelganger".

The word originates in the German language, meaning "double goer" and dates all the way back to 1796, first being used in the novel, "Siebenkas" by Jean Paul. The first definition has the doppelganger defined as a paranormal double of a living person, the second states that it is the sensation of having glimpsed oneself in one's own peripheral vision. The doppelganger has oft been perceived as a sinister form of bi-location and an omen of bad luck.
I heard a very interesting theory about  doppelgangers many years ago when I met my best friend, Adrian. Ade had a girlfriend at the time named Laura. Laura was not a very big fan of mine nor was she inclined to cheer on the budding friendship growing between her boyfriend and myself. One night, Laura and I got down to brass tacks. I explained to her that I was drawn to Adrian in a very spiritual way. That it had far more to do with a sensation of reminiscence than sexuality. I shared with her my somewhat magical draw to him, which was something I had never really experienced with anyone else. The answer Laura hit me with was just about one of the most magical explanations I have ever heard. "Dee", she said, "have you ever heard of the Doppelganger Theory?" "No", I replied. "This is the theory that when God created life on earth, He created more bodies than He had enough souls for, the original thought being there have always been a predetermined amount of souls and that they would be reincarnated time and time again. So God decided to split the souls in half so that two bodies might share one soul..." Hmm...this kind of made sense to me, as I have always believed in reincarnation and I've always believed in the whole soul mate thing, as well. Laura went on to propose that perhaps Adrian shared the other half of my soul. Okay, so he and I HAVE been friends from the moment we met and we have tried to include our respective others in our very deep and special friendship. In fact, our respective spouses actually did come to terms with our connection and that is saying allot about my ex-husband, in particular, as he was jealous even of my writing, much less my people. Ade and I have remained in each others' lives, none the less. I was even a bridesmaid in his wedding to his wife, Elisa, but is he my soul mate. No. I know this because I have studied the concept of soul mates in length, and while he is very special to me, he is more my best friend than my soul mate and this is why...it has been said that a soul mate is the person who mirrors you, shows you your true image in your reflection in their eyes. They are the person that makes you do all the dirty work involved in the tearing down of your walls. They shake you up, they tear you apart, they give your ego a run for it's money and they make you recognize your obstacles because if you truly are their soul mate, they want you to be the person they see you being and if they are yours, you cannot help but do the work. In fact, you might be compelled to do so. It is said that only your soul mate can MAKE you transform your life.
It has been fourteen years since Adrian and I became friends and in all that time I have only met one other person who struck me that way.
He struck me like lightning and he has continued from day one to be the one person I have ever known that I cannot walk away from. And let me tell you, I was born with a nomadic spirit. I have walked away from my entire family. Nine aunts, three uncles, a father, 4 half-siblings, a plethora of cousins, a husband and lots and lots of friends. My mother died when I was nine, so I learned how to say good-bye a very long time ago, and as for my nomadic spirit, it's a good thing this is my spirit, because it led me to this place, Oregon, a place I had never been to before the day I boarded a Greyhound bus and moved here with one suitcase. Magical!!!
Now, one should probably never really attempt to walk away from someone they are so magnetically drawn to, but I had never had a problem with the walking before, and as this guy has his own attachments coupled with the unbelievable physical sensation I perpetually experience in his presence, I thought, hey, what the hell, these boots were made for walkin'...
My problem with this is that the physical sensation I experience when I do try to remove myself from his existence, that being my soul feeling as tho it is being extracted from my chest with a blow torch, is far greater than all the other things involved with having him in my life. This has been going on for a year and it is not a secret between us. We have discussed this. The why of the matter has been weighing heavily on my mind for quite some time. Why did I feel so electrified at our first meeting? Why could I not get him out of my mind, even for a moment? Why do all the songs I love and have my whole life sound as though they were written about us? Why do all these signs jump out at me and stop me in my tracks and point directly toward him? Why did he say yes? Why did he rescind? Why does he refuse to surround himself with the kind of women he actually needs to be around? Why is he so superficial with them, yet has never been so with me? Why did he keep that little token of my affection perpetually tethered to his "wall"? Why am I so addicted to this man who failed to be honest with me about becoming a father for the first time? Why can we simply not let go, completely, in spite of our parallel lives? Why can I not walk away?
I needed an answer and I needed it fast, so I asked for one. I turned to magic...I sat down quietly on my livingroom floor, lit a candle, drew my Tarot in the spread of the Celtic Cross and focused all of my concentration on this man. "Goddess," I asked, "please help me find an answer to this one simple question-are we SUPPOSED to be in each others lives?" I asked it this way because it was in those terms that I have always considered our connection. I figured if I asked a simple yes or no question, all the other answers would eventually fall into place. That's the way magic has always worked for me. As I concentrated on my question, I held over the flame a little piece of paper on which he had written my name. Right about this time, my phone alerted me of an email coming thru. And THIS is why I believe in magic: THE EMAIL WAS FROM HIM...
In the subsequent days that followed, I began to receive information that would help me better understand the "why". While reading my horoscope, I got the message about the Soul Mate theory. When I took the time to think about the ways in which I've changed since I've known him, it really began to come together for me. It started me thinking about Adrian and what role he did play in my life, which led me to my aforementioned conversation with his girlfriend, Laura, so I started researching Doppelgangers. My extensive research on Doppelgangers then led me Carl Jung, whose books I have on my bookshelf. The relationship between the Doppelganger Theory and Jung's Shadow Theory goes like this: Dr. Jung proposes that we all espouse an alter-ego, or a Shadow. Thru the years, Dr. Jung's Shadow Theory has been compared to the new version or definition of the Doppelganger Theory. In today's version of The Doppelganger Theory we are told of our hidden alter-ego, which Dr. Jung based most of his research on, considering the alter-ego to be a legitimate part of the human psyche. I cannot state the shock I felt when I began reading all the articles on the two theories and found that the the two are almost one. I found that my favorite author, Edgar Allan Poe wrote about the doppelganger in his story, "William Wilson". Even Abraham Lincoln, my favorite President and whom my best friend, Adrian Lincoln Martinez is named for, believed he had a doppelganger. Hmm...favorite psychoanalyst, whose books I read and own...favorite author, whose books I read and own...favorite President, who just happens to share the same name as my best friend, whose girlfriend enlightened me to the Doppelganger Theory in the first place. See where I'm going with this? That's allot of coincidence...
At the same time I am researching these theories, I am also questioning my undeniable to draw to Scorpios. I am immediately drawn them and have been for as long as I can remember. I picked up Jung's "Two Essays on Analytical Psychology" and began to read. In his definition of The Shadow, he explains that our alter-ego is the part of our psyche we hide from the world. We do this out of fear. Fear of being known for who we truly are. As Shakespeare said, "All the world's a stage and we are merely players." I thought about the role I play in my life. I have a bubbly disposition. I am friendly and funny and loud and boisterous. When I am alone, however, I am quiet and solemn and reserved and I can be very dark. I have my secrets. I gladly wish to regenerate my life whenever the fancy strikes. I'm surreptitiously passionate. I love deeply. I am exponentially sensitive. Meet my alter-ego. This is my Shadow. It made remember a conversation I had once with Adrian. He was explaining to me his reasons for being the darkest person I have ever know. He chalked it up, completely to being a Scorpio.  Adrian is also one of the most sensitive men I have ever known. He advises he has been misunderstood in regards to this character trait most of his life. He loves very deeply and has, in fact, been engaged twice prior to his current marriage. When those engagements did not turn into marriage, he was wounded exponentially. I, on the other hand, have Leo rising and a Leo moon, so I am full of incredible exuberance. A trait I'm sure he finds attractive, however, unattainable within his own psyche. He seems to understand my sunny personality, as he is an observer of all things. His darkness, however, is something I needed to understand about him. This man with a masters degree enlightened me, quite easily, that this is because he is a  Scorpio, and his sensitivity to all things he experiences is at times too much to bear and he feels more comfortable keeping his emotions within himself.  We share a love of Springsteen, who sings, "You can't shut off the risk and the pain, without losing the love that remains." These words are some of the best ever written, but they are much easier said than done. No one wants to go thru pain more than once, especially the same type of pain. I can only hope that Adrian was able to access his Shadow and come to terms with his inner demons and that Elisa is his soul mate and that when he looks into her eyes he can see the reflection of his shadow-self and that serves to make him want to be the best person he can be for her and their daughter. God knows he deserves it.       
I was stunned in the realization that my draw to Scorpios is apparently a result of this Zodiac most closely resembling my Shadow. I admire these people greatly, as they are passionate and deep and secretive and so fully loving. They never let go of anything. I let go of everything. Their intensity is outstanding. Their intuition matched only by myself in terms all the other people I know.
In the Zodiac, Scorpio is represented by Pluto, ruler of the underworld, the Tarot card associated with Scorpio is the Death card. I have run across my share of scorpions in the wild, having literally been stung, and as they are indigenous to the parts of the country in which I have lived, and by nature, needing, again to learn everything I can about everything I ever experience, my research on them is, one, when they lose their stinger, they are able to regenerate it, and, two, this arachnid will sting it's self, poisoning it's self to the point of death so as to avoid being murdered by his predator. Deep, dark, not afraid to die a million deaths. They can be wicked and unforgiving, but if you do not threaten them, they will gladly co-exist with you. Never forget, however, it is us, humans, who are living in THEIR world. You forget that, you will get stung!  The Scorpio things plays an intractable part in this particular dichotomy because my person is a Scorpio, quintessentially, and this is a sign that does not want to access this part of their psyche. They have been hurt too badly in the past every single time they have dealt with their pain in the sensitive way that they do. They are secretive because of this. I'm sure they do want to tap into their emotions and share them with the people they love, but in my experience with them, I have learned that most of the people they come across do not understand the depth, intensity and sensitivity that they are shrouded in. Their depth is fascinating to me. Something I can totally relate to. While I tend to be aloof and detached, I truly love to love. My passionate side, however, must be brought to the surface by the type of person who espouses the traits that hide in my shadow psyche. The characteristics they exhibit in their everyday lives are characteristics I hide deep inside my soul. In terms of the benefits they bring me, I am thankful they are able to break down my walls and force me to come to terms with, or look in the mirror, so to speak, at the complete person. The benefits I wish to provide them are they very same thing. It is my understanding of what makes them tick and my desire to help them see the part of themselves they do not want to see because I know from experience that when two people are able to do this for each other, they form an unbreakable bond that perpetuates eternity and allows for one to trust, comfortably the other.
When I met my person, I immediately felt we were supposed to get to know each other better. It was never lust or superficiality or an overblown sense of being in love. It was always far more psychological than that. In the past few months, we have both been quintessential to our nature. His being secretive and my being aloof. It has always been a little hard for us to communicate with one another, which I attribute to the fear we both have of facing the shadow selves we carry with in our souls. I have always felt the connection to be very deep, yet extremely hard to define. We have continually tried to at least be friends and neither one of us has really been able to let go completely. I know I have never met anyone like him and in this interim, he HAS forced me to look at my shadow, at my soul and at the way I deal with people and life. He has stripped from me my undeserved sense of entitlement and made me realize that I am far more capable of love and understanding than I ever knew I was. I continue to be a better person for having known him. The things I easily recognize in him are his sensitivity and the way he deals with it by being silly and sarcastic. I see the way he keeps certain people at bay. The kind of people who are able to see clearly that which he wishes to hide. When he does something for someone, he does it fully, completely, exponentially. He is passionate in ways of which I have never experienced in another person before. His pain is hidden deep within his heart and it is very clear to me that he only allows himself to get close to people whom he can control, so as to avoid the possibility of anyone ever causing him the kind of pain he has experienced in his life. He is duplicitous in the way that he wears his confidence as if it were a suit of armor, or a costume. I have found him to be a bit less confident than the act portrays, as he is very often self deprecating. A sign to me that he is not sure of himself and lives in constant fear that his other half, or shadow-self might be discovered. He must keep moving at warp speed. This is something I noticed about him from the start. I remember thinking that if he stood still for a minute, his feelings might surface and this is the way he has learned to keep them pushed down, into the dark place where he believes they belong. People who have had the opportunity to observe him for hours at a time have told me that he is fidgety to the point of OCD. Jung actually touched on this, as he recognized it in almost all of his patients he treated while researching his shadow theory. "Were the conflict clearly conscious in all it's parts, it would never give rise to neurotic symptoms; these occur only when we cannot see the other side of our nature and the urgency of it's problems. Only under these conditions does the symptom appear, and it helps to give expression to the unrecognized side of the psyche." Here in-lies the discomfort we experience when in one-another's blessed company. I can recognize his Shadow self, the part of him that is sunny and enthusiastic and trusting. The part of him that is capable of undying love, faithfulness and perpetual loyalty.  I know he refuses to access this part of his psyche, as well as not allowing others to know he espouses these characteristics because if he did, he would be opening himself up to the same pain he has endured throughout his life and no one wants to bring to light to others, including, if not mostly, to themselves their hidden nature. It's hidden for a reason. The reasons are valid. However, when you are dealing with someone who can see that hidden part of you, it's difficult to express yourself the way you do and have practiced to do all your life around everyone else. I feel this discomfort, too. Many a time I have questioned why it is I can act so bubbly and vivacious and completely comfortable around everyone else in the room, something I know he observes, yet when I try to actually speak to him, I can't, which drives me crazy, because he is my person and the person I want to tell everything to, chat with when I'm bored, share my creative enthusiasm with and above all else, listen to his stories. In regards to his discomfort around me, perhaps he sees his Shadow in my soul, staring back at him. If this is as frightening for him as it is for me, it's no wonder we are lost in our connection. And here am I, perpetuating the practice of deception I have come to master with people who don't really know me, or those I don't care to let in, however feeling in my soul, he CAN see who I really am. It's not just me being able to his shadow. He can see mine, too,  because when we look at each other, we are looking at the reflection of ourselves in each other, the selves we wish to hide.
As for the Soul Mate thing, if our soul mate truly IS the person who is able to recognize our shadow and help us access that part of our inner sanctum, so as to do the work necessary to be the person we are supposed to be for those with whom we are charged with loving, than that is what we are, he and I. I have wondered considerably about the timing of our meeting. Before he made me realize my full potential, my selfish side took over, obviously. I could not understand why I needed to spend my time with this person who at the same time was going thru a life changing event of his own. After long and hard consideration and my desires to understand us and what purpose I was obviously supposed to play in his life, I realized this is not about me and what he can do for me. It is far more intense than that. What I thought might be lust turned out to be the kind of love you have for someone just because you are supposed to. Because they need you to. In terms of his particular timing situation, I have come to know that it is not necessarily me he needs to assist in the betterment of my being, perhaps that is just a benefit of our connection, but it is me who is supposed to here for the betterment of his. Perhaps the time has come for him to slay his demons, accept the sensitivity he has to offer and access the the whole person he is due to the aforementioned life changing event.
When I was pregnant with my daughter, I remember thinking, "Wow, these nine months, and maybe a few more after she is born, she is mine, all mine, but the inevitable time will come when I have to give my daughter away." This is what we do with our daughters. At some point, we, as parents, are forced to place that lovely little hand we have cherished without pause for her entire life into the hand of another man. A partner she will walk with down her own road, without the benefit of her parents' wisdom. I had this in my mind throughout my daughter's life. I waited to get married until I found a man who would be my daughter's roll model. I did this quite successfully, as Jeanine married a man whose hand I had absolutely no problem putting her hand in. I raised her with confidence and honesty and trust and she is truly amazing in the work which is her life. My reward for this??? My grandson, Joshua, who was born in November. My very own little Scorpio who loves me with more intensity than anyone else on earth. Anyway, we must provide our daughters with very best tools available to them, as they will one day go out on there own. Perhaps our timing is indicative of this. I want my person to be happy and fulfilled and be able able to access his incredible resources of love and sensitivity. I have always thought that what he needed was a good girl in his life so that he might find his way back to his heart, and give freely this amazing love, without fear or hesitation. If he can find his way back by seeing his shadow in my eyes, and continue on his journey, happily, and be the person he truly is, than I will be that person, gladly. This is something he actually taught me about myself.
When I first told him my thoughts on our proposed existence in one-another's lives, I did not say, "I love you, I want to marry you, take me away, let's have an affair..." I said, "I am not sure on what level we are supposed to know each other, we just are." Maybe all the angst associated with beginning a new love affair has clouded our ability to see what we are supposed to be for each other...I don't know. I do, however know empirically that those clouds have parted and our connection finally makes sense and I hope that when I say, "If God separated our soul at the time of creation, and we are lucky enough to have found each other, I'm glad to call you my doppelganger...", and that he chooses the best road for the both of us. With him there are only two options, as it is all or nothing, so he will either let me in completely or shut me out for good.
As my former boyfriend, Arley (Halloween baby!!!) used to say, "The shadow knows..." Another remarkable "coincidence" in the story of us.