"The Travel Agent, the Sticky-note and the Sociopath"
by Deannalynn Arzola
Have you ever felt so compelled to adjoin yourself to another person that you disregarded every warning bell that either went off in your head? Have you ever stared truth smack dab in the face and completely disregarded it? Well, sorry readers, but you may have found yourself falling for a sociopath.
I have lived my life in practice of several things. I practice karma, I practice unconditional love, I practice strength. I have always believed that I am truly intuitive. My intuition is my faith, which in turn, makes me a stronger person. I have never really had to seek out good people with which to surround myself. I have fine tuned my antennae so as to recognize them instantly...
Until I met my sociopath...
The Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders, or DSM-V, defines the sociopath as having the following characteristic traits:
- Glibness and Superficial Charm
- Manipulative and Conning
They never recognize the rights of others and see their self-serving behaviors as permissible. They appear to be charming, yet are covertly hostile and domineering, seeing their victim as merely an instrument to be used. They may dominate and humiliate their victims. - Grandiose Sense of Self
Feels entitled to certain things as "their right." - Pathological Lying
Has no problem lying coolly and easily and it is almost impossible for them to be truthful on a consistent basis. Can create, and get caught up in, a complex belief about their own powers and abilities. Extremely convincing and even able to pass lie detector tests. - Lack of Remorse, Shame or Guilt
A deep seated rage, which is split off and repressed, is at their core. Does not see others around them as people, but only as targets and opportunities. Instead of friends, they have victims and accomplices who end up as victims. The end always justifies the means and they let nothing stand in their way. - Shallow Emotions
When they show what seems to be warmth, joy, love and compassion it is more feigned than experienced and serves an ulterior motive. Outraged by insignificant matters, yet remaining unmoved and cold by what would upset a normal person. Since they are not genuine, neither are their promises. - Incapacity for Love
- Need for Stimulation
Living on the edge. Verbal outbursts and physical punishments are normal. Promiscuity and gambling are common. - Callousness/Lack of Empathy
Unable to empathize with the pain of their victims, having only contempt for others' feelings of distress and readily taking advantage of them. - Poor Behavioral Controls/Impulsive Nature
Rage and abuse, alternating with small expressions of love and approval produce an addictive cycle for abuser and abused, as well as creating hopelessness in the victim. Believe they are all-powerful, all-knowing, entitled to every wish, no sense of personal boundaries, no concern for their impact on others. - Early Behavior Problems/Juvenile Delinquency
Usually has a history of behavioral and academic difficulties, yet "gets by" by conning others. Problems in making and keeping friends; aberrant behaviors such as cruelty to people or animals, stealing, etc. - Irresponsibility/Unreliability
Not concerned about wrecking others' lives and dreams. Oblivious or indifferent to the devastation they cause. Does not accept blame themselves, but blames others, even for acts they obviously committed. - Promiscuous Sexual Behavior/Infidelity
Promiscuity, child sexual abuse, rape and sexual acting out of all sorts. - Lack of Realistic Life Plan/Parasitic Lifestyle
Tends to move around a lot or makes all encompassing promises for the future, poor work ethic but exploits others effectively. - Criminal or Entrepreneurial Versatility
Changes their image as needed to avoid prosecution. Changes life story readily.
Those charmed by a sociopath describe them thusly:
- Having an over sized ego
- Lying and exhibiting manipulative behavior
- Showing a lack of remorse or shame
- Staying eerily calm in scary or dangerous situations
- Behaving irresponsibly or with extreme impulsivity
- Having few friends
- Being charming--but only superficially
- Living by the "pleasure principle"
- Showing disregard for societal norms
Having "intense" eyes
The following is an excerpt from lawyer and author, and yes, Sunday school teacher, M.E. Thomas' memoir, "Confessions of a Sociopath"
I Am a Sociopath
"Remorse is alien to me. I have a penchant for deceit. I am generally free of entangling and irrational emotions. I am strategic and canny, intelligent and confident, but I also struggle to react appropriately to other people's confusing and emotion-driven social cues."I was not a victim of child abuse, and I am not a murderer or a criminal. I have never skulked behind prison walls; I prefer mine to be covered in ivy. I am an accomplished attorney and law professor, a well-respected young academic who regularly writes for law journals and advances legal theories. I donate 10 percent of my income to charity and teach Sunday school for the Mormon Church. I have a close circle of family and friends whom I love and who very much love me. Does this sound like you? Recent estimates say that one in every 25 people is a sociopath. But you're not a serial killer, never imprisoned? Most of us aren't. Only 20 percent of male and female prison inmates are sociopaths, although we are probably responsible for about half of all serious crimes committed. Nor are most sociopaths incarcerated. In fact, the silent majority of sociopaths live freely and anonymously, holding down jobs, getting married, having children. We are legion and diverse.
"You would like me if you met me. I have the kind of smile that is common among television show characters and rare in real life, perfect in its sparkly teeth dimensions and ability to express pleasant invitation. I'm the sort of date you would love to take to your ex's wedding—fun, exciting, the perfect office escort. And I'm just the right amount of successful so that your parents would be thrilled if you brought me home.
"Perhaps the most noticeable aspect of my confidence is the way I sustain eye contact. Some people have called it the "predator stare." Sociopaths are unfazed by uninterrupted eye contact. Our failure to look away politely is also perceived as being aggressive or seductive. It can throw people off balance, but often in an exciting way that imitates the unsettling feeling of infatuation. Do you ever find yourself using charm and confidence to get people to do things for you that they otherwise wouldn't? Some might call it manipulation, but I like to think I'm using what God gave me."
WOW!!!
In my 47 years on this earth, I have never really known a sociopath. I probably have met a few along the way, but I guess I was just really lucky to have never invited one into my inner sanctum. It happens to the best of us. Most of us are no match for the sociopath. These people are, perhaps, born this way, as the DSM-V suggests. It more than likey begins as a chemical imbalance, leaving the sociopath feeling different from the rest of his peers, so then begins the lifelong practice of manipulation. If you think about it, it's quite the perfect storm. A boy is born with this atypical chemical imbalance and the first woman in his life is biologically compelled to bond with her son. He, in turn, is incapable of returning what she perceives as a natural emotion. True bonding is simply unattainable. This, obviously causes a serious rift in the relationship, so both mother and child spend their lives trying to compensate in other ways. There in lies the problem. The mother is not mentally ill, and does not understand, nor does she recognize what is really going on inside her son's mind. As the son begins to see that his mother is somewhat indifferent towards him, and not so to his siblings, his attempt to get her to love him presents it's self in the form of charm. The charm seems to work on the mother, so the son sees this as success, and therefor, uses this tool on everyone else in his life. Charm becomes second nature to him, however, he is still different. He subsequently holds everyone he meets at arms length. In adolescence, our sociopath begins to experience natural, biological sexual feelings. (I almost used the word "emotions" where I used "feelings", because I am not a sociopath and therefor, have emotions. When I say "feelings", I mean the sensation, not the emotion). This is a dangerous time in the life of the sociopath, not for him, but for the rest of us. He is charming, and sexy and beautiful, because, apparently, a lack of empathy is made up for genetically by wicked good looks, memorizing eyes and intense sensuality. He will practice on the first girlfriend. He will practice the very same things he always has, charm, manipulation, dishonesty, however, it is at this stage in his life where he will learn, it is not correctness in the answer, but the delivery. He could say to his girl, "Asia is the least populated continent on earth", and she would believe him, without question, as his delivery of that incorrect information was so convincing. The lying is pathological and unnecessary, and the fib not the goal. It is the excitement of lying and the thrill of being believed. With this, he gains another sociopathic super power: confidence. This is a little foreign to him at first, as he has felt uncomfortable in his own skin his whole life. This confidence is the best tool in his arsenal, where power is the desired result.
While a sociopath will never trust another living soul, which, perhaps is the true catalyst of sociopathy, he will garner the trust of everyone who meets him. He will never share a secret, but he will know all of yours. And trust me, he only wants to know them so that he can usurp power and control over you. And, to get what he wants, like a better grade, sex from a virgin, a paid day off from work, just to see if he CAN!!!
The term "God complex" must have been coined, specifically, for the sociopath. They are often reckless, when it comes to themselves and others, and many think that they will not be injured. They will take the greatest risks because they truly believe they are invincible, seeing themselves as all powerful. This is a huge problem as they enter the workplace. Sociopaths are some of the most convincing leaders the world has ever known. They are exceedingly smart, as they are the only thing they really study and take an interest in. Many a sociopath has quickly worked his way up the corporate ladder by lying about his education so convincingly, no one ever bothers to fact check, and with charm, confidence and charisma that simply cannot be found in the average sane person. They quickly become managers, which for the sociopath is erotic, as they are actually being paid to be in control of other peoples' fate. They will also be the first to tell you that they are extremely overqualified for the position they hold, when in fact, they are probably lacking the education required for such a position. Once in a position of authority, they will use their power to satisfy their insatiable sexual appetite, all the while absolutely unbeknownst to their own superiors. There are three major factors involved in this type of behavior that make up the perfect storm of sociopathy: power, risk and deceit. Life is a game to the sociopath and his place of employment, his playground. All the rest of us are simply playground equipment for him to use until he gets bored. He does not understand the concept of ramifications, as he feels he is invincible and usually has plenty of people in his corner that he can either use to save him from demise or charm into believing that the child his subordinate is carrying could not possibly be his. Just let the human resources department ask him about this situation and he will turn around and sue the company, all the while knowing that is his child and believing he will win his case. The sociopath will come to work everyday and act completely removed from his truth, believing that he is fooling everyone, when in fact, the entire office knows the truth, while at the same time convincing the subordinate to not tell anyone that he, is in fact, responsible for this life altering event that she should be sharing with the world. Somehow, however, she obeys and the charade continues.
Sociopaths are narcissists. Websters defines narcissism as excessive self love, so they aren't really true narcissists, they have simply learned how to mask their lack of self understanding and discomfort with the tools of narcissism.
While sociopaths will vary greatly, they all have one defining trait, presenting themselves as having the same empathy feelings and emotions as others when in fact they lack this emotional capacity. They are thus cold and manipulative and rarely see any problem with their actions.
The best way to avoid being caught up in the web of a sociopath is not necessarily to recognize these aforementioned characteristics and take leave in the other direction. I am a smart, intuitive gal, and I got swept up from moment one, hence the research I have done, so as to learn why I could fall for such a wicked devil. The best way to avoid one is to make it imperical to them that you know exactly who and what they are. While they do believe they can manipulate almost anyone and love the challenge of doing so, they are extremely smart and they will recognize your ability to see thru them and they will run the other direction as fast as they can.
The best way to differentiate between a sociopath and a psycopath is to see the impulsivity in the sociopath and the calculation in the psychopath. The sociopath is not driven to dominate. They are afforded incredible power because of their charm and ability to lie on a pathological level, but they are not about a means to an end, it is the journey that they enjoy. They live in the moment and garner the most excitement by living their way of life to the fullest, moment by moment. Tomorrow does not matter.
When a sociopath is finished with you, you will be simply stunned by the events that not only happened in the relationship, but by the events that follow. As normal members of society, we feel pain and loss and express those emotions with sadness or shame or some sort of consequential emotion from the fallout. Sociopaths do not do this. They cannot feel pain and loss the way the rest of us do and they will carry out their over-the-top risky behavior for their enjoyment and gratification, charming the pants off you to do so and when they are bored with you, they will seem to act as if said situation never occurred. When presented with the facts of their dastardly deeds by another, they will lie with a complete lack of conscience and say, "That never happened". And they do it so well because they actually believe their lies.
If you find yourself the unfortunate victim of a sociopath, there are two roads you can choose. The first road consists of disillusionment in humanity and one's own self, and the subsequent possibility that this could happen again, or, you can walk down the second, which will find you spending every moment trying to figure out how an educated and experienced gal could fall for such a cad, and use that knowledge to avoid the possibility of it ever happening to you again.
My sociopath did not target me. I am not one of the girls at the office the he stood upon his self-assigned pedastal and lorded over in order to pick and choose his victim of the day with which to pratice his risky behavior. Oh, no, I chose him. Something inside me said, "Just get over it. Do not share this information with him..." If you ever have this feeling about someone, listen!!! It is the intuitive voice inside your head, a gift you were blessed with to help you avoid a bad outcome.
When I told him that I wanted him to be a part of my life, he responded, in kind, in writing. My sociopath is a member of what he likes to refer to as "Leadership Staff". He considers himself a manager on his social media pages. I considered this risky behavior the second I read his response. He also took it upon himself to "read between the lines" of my letter, having admitted this to me in his response. An overblown egomaniacal idiosyncrasy I should have recognized right then and there. He alliterated his desire to have a relationship with me. IN WRITING!!!
"Well, I must say, with what I understand from the intentions of this email, I am flattered as well as surprised. I did not realize that you had feelings of this magnitude; however, I would be happy to explore them with you, at minimum as friends, but potentially more ... as I read between the lines of your email, I certainly felt tingles inside..."
This posed a conundrum for me before I realized that I was in love with a sociopath. Did he trust me that much? Turns out, no, he's just a sociopath who likes to take risks and play fast and loose with his life. I have held on to his letters, not because I could take him down in an instant if I so desired, but because I needed the proof for myself. Proof that I did not just imagine the whole thing. I now realize that the response he wrote was more for him than for me and as long as I have his words to hold against him, he enjoys the thrill of consequence.
Following this communication, the first time I saw him was at work. He approached me with intense anticipation, catching me a bit off guard, and led me up the stairs to an empty office space and completely consumed me. I was utterly stunned by this. I even told him so. While I thought it was our passion that excited him, I am sure now that it was the risk of getting caught on the property, being intimate, with a subordinate.
I was not the first. I was not the last. It took me six months to realize that I was in love with a sociopath.
My sociopath and I have a mutual friend. She is a very smart and perceptive gal who knows both of us very well. She knew before the sociopath did, that I was head over heals for him, so she basically watched the entire tragedy unfold before her very eyes, in real time. Unable to contain her contempt for him and the emotional turmoil he was causing me any longer, she confronted him.
"I don't know what's going on with Dee. She expressed all of her feelings for me in one fell swoop. Too much, too soon. Nothing ever happened between us. Jesus, Maggie, I've flirted with you way more than I ever have with her".
Needless to say, Maggie knew he was lying straight to her face. She was pale with illness when I asked her what he said. His inconsequential disposal of me and what did happen between us bothered her almost as much as it did me, so she un-friended him on Facebook and I spent my time trying to figure it all out.
A couple of months later, she and I were talking, and I said, "Maggie, why does he keep that sticky-note stuck to the cubicle wall, right in his line of vision, still?"
"Dee", she said with absolute authority in the matter, "Serial killers keep trophies, too".
This answer came to me like a light bulb over my head. Of course. That's it. I remembered a comment my sociopath made to me as we were talking about "us".
"It's not you, it's me."
It's a stupid statement men have been using on woman for eons, but this time it seemed to make more sense to me. It WAS him. He is incapable of love. In fact, I'm sure if he could love me, he would.
The sticky-note, which is a a drawing of a Capricorn with the words "Hope is the thing with feathers, that perches in the soul and sings the tune with no words", by Emily Dickinson, is something I drew one day when I was bored at work and he was not there to talk to, so I walked over to his desk and stuck the little yellow sticky-note on his cubicle wall. That was over three months ago and it is still there, tho he and I sometimes go a week without speaking to each other.
I have been totally intrigued by the sticky-note situation for months now. At first I thought it remained because he loved me but because he knocked up aforementioned subordinate, we couldn't be together and it was a token of communication. Then, I thought it was perhaps a way to keep me addicted. When Maggie called it a trophy, it was the first time my insane addiction to my sociopath made sense at all.
There is still a part of me that believes I must have known him, loved him in a previous life and that I love him because I am the one woman who CAN love him, but if you ask my friends, they will all tell you, individually, that this man bears not one redeeming quality, whatsoever. That he is lazy and skates through his job. They are right. That he is a scumbag who usurps his position to sexually harass those whom he "picks and chooses", who all shrug off his advances and consider him a creep of the nth degree. They are right. That he is a pathological liar. They are right.
What I have such a hard time reconciling, is how everybody else could see thru his charade and I could not. I did not want a relationship with him. I was not looking for love. But I found it. At first sight.
And now I have to spend what feels to me like an eternity, paying strict attention to the details of my sociopath, so as to understand my addiction to him and so as to never fall under the spell of a sociopath again.
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