Le Entre-deux

They say when one door closes, another one opens. What do we call the in-between? The French term is "Entre-deux"; or, two doors. 
When in a state of entre-deux, fear abounds. Prior to the closing of the first door, fear is experienced in terms of the knowledge we all share of how it feels to say goodbye. No matter how complex your memories, nor how strong the logical desire is to walk away, it's hard to say goodbye. Prior to the opening of the second door, fear can sometimes prevent the opening. Horror movies are written with at least one scene depicting the face of fear on the character who must open that door, in spite of what may lie on the other side. One of the scariest movies I have ever seen is "Nightmare on Elm Street". At the end of the movie, Nancy places her hand on the door knob leading to her front porch. After a horrible night of fighting Freddy, she opens the door to a bright, shiny morning sun. I try to remember this every time I have to move from one room of life to the next. I am still almost always ambivalent of opening the next door. I am standing entre-deux, trembling.
I have found that on the other side of almost every door I have opened, there has been sunshine, metaphorically speaking, and still, I experience this debatable feeling inside me. Knowing, especially recently, that I would  encounter the antithesis of the current situation upon opening the new door, I still had a very hard time with leaving the deplorable conditions of the current situation, and I had to understand why I was reluctant to walk away, to close the first door.
It is the leaving, or the expectation of the leaving that really got me this time. The metaphor in "Nightmare", when Nancy gets in the car with her friends and leaves her damaged mother and then suddenly finds herself in the clutches of Freddy, screaming all the way to the credits is that change is hard and scary and saying goodbye sucks, even when you have to say goodbye to the people in your life who are toxic. I had been surrounded by many toxic people, that I gave a piece of myself to. They hurt me. Outside of that demographic, yet still in the same environment, I had mentors, who gave me knowledge I will carry with me, perpetually. I made friends. I knew for two months that the day would come when I would have to close the door on all of them. The new door was there, golden doorknob glistening in the distance. My entre-deux lasted what seemed a lifetime.
These are the words I heard as was standing on my precipice, "Taking steps is easy, standing still is hard". It's from a song, and it refers to prisoners, confined to a specific environment, for a specific time. I must say, I felt a bit imprisoned in my entre-deux. Imprisoned by my fear of moving forward, saying goodbye, closing one door, opening another. I did realize, however, as I was there, in-between, that it is the standig still that's hard, not the moving forward. If you find yourself standing still in an environment of toxicity, raise your arm a little and reach for the doorknob. Open the door. When you do, the fear seems silly. And you begin to forget about the people who affected you negatively. And you meet new people. And you try to remember what you learned about the characteristics of toxic people. And you avoid them. And you realize that you have just given yourself the gift of a brand new playing field. And you pick and choose the players on your team, electing only that which exudes positive energy. 
When in your  entre-deux, take a deep breath, take stock of your newly acquired knowledge, and open the door.
Just remember to close the one behind you.

-by Deannalynn Arzola