A Love Letter

As I bathe in the incandescent light of the moon, I realize that while life can be trying at times, I am blessed. Thinking about the many people I have encountered, known and loved in my life, the past comes back to haunt me for a brief moment. The lack of personal education perpetuated by the people charged with teaching me how to attend to the rules of life, and how I despise them at the very core of their soul, creeps over me like a thick black cloud of smoke. What allows the dissipation of said smoke is the knowledge I carry which my other people have taught me. This education I was freely given has taught me how to be strong. It has taught me how to be wise. It has taught me how to forgive. It has, in fact, even taught me what love truly is. There have been many moments in my life when I thought I would never really know what love actually is.
This is my love letter to all the people I have known, most of whom are still here, in my heart, my soul and my life.

Dear Grams, thank you for showing me what a strong woman is. You raised twelve children without a husband. They are all successful. Thank you for falling in love with my mother, your daughter-in-law, when her own mother couldn't, after your mother couldn't. Thank you for taking me in when I lost the most important person in my life, as if you had made a promise to her, a promise you kept when you loved me and taught me the things only a mother can teach her daughter. And thank you for trusting me with your deepest, darkest secrets. You are the reason I love November and all the people born in that month. They are the greatest people on earth and because of you, I aspire, daily to be as worthy of their love as I was of yours. Because of you, my best friends truly are the best friends to their people, and thus, I have them in my life, and am truly fortunate. These are the people who keep me in touch with my emotionality. They make me laugh and cry harder than anyone else I have ever known.

Dear Jeanine, my daughter, my mother's name sake, thank you for showing me, everyday, that I succeeded in something I was terrified I would fail miserable at. Your accomplished viability and your capacity to love your children completely, honor your friends determinedly, share you wisdom decisively, cherish your husband exceedingly and continually matriculate the mysteries of your mother confirm for me that I achieved the greatest honor there is. For there is nothing in this world that stops me and takes my breath away like seeing the woman you have become. You show me everyday that I should be proud. When I feel that I have failed at the big things, I need look no further than my own little family.

Dear David, my husband, the person whose name I took and will never give away, to anyone. I am Dee Arzola, and I am her because of you. Thank you for teaching me how to be a better mother, a better friend, a better daughter. Thank you for loving me, unconditionally, faithfully and thoroughly. You taught me that family can be a good thing. My grams loved you. Allot. You taught me about patience and forgiveness and understanding. You are the love of my life. You are my daughter's father and because of you , she appreciates family and domesticity and she has married a strong and passionate man, whom she considers her best friend. You have a considerable amount to do with the way she is and I could never thank you enough, even with my words. Your Cancerism balanced me out and smoothed my rough edges. I just wish you would have been there long enough to help complete the latter. You continue making me a better person, everyday. I love you.

Dear Joshua, my grandson, my love, my Scorpio. You were a blessing to me from day one, having arrived in my life on Grams' birthday. You are the most beautiful thing I have ever seen. You are a creature full of passion and love and you express your emotions at the deepest level known to humanity, or all of creation, for that matter. You continue to amaze me with the love you give, so freely and so expecting that everyone else can do the same. We cannot. You were born under a very loving and passionate sun and loyal and faithful moon. While I love your mother and her dad very much, you, Joshua, I love more than anyone else I have ever known. And you love me more than anyone else ever has, as well. You are my gift, and my reward, for having suffered so many fools so gladly. You are worth all the pain I ever experienced before. When I hold you in my arms, I can feel the love radiating from your soul. When I talk to you, especially when we're in each other's presence, it's as if you are the only person in the room, for both of us. And you seem to be this little man that I have known for a million years. So mature and deep. I have been in love with you every minute of every day that you have been alive. I will do so until the end of time. I wear your birthstone on my ring finger for the same reason married couples do, it is the position on which to wear a ring closest to my heart. Thank you, Joshua, for showing me and sharing with me unfiltered love.

Dear Adrian, my best friend and the only person I would ever trust with my advanced directive and my bank account. Thank you for teaching me about friendship. You have the determination in regards to friendship that which I have never seen. Bless you for calling my husband at his job just get hold of me. Your love for me while we were surrounded by so many people who wanted us all to themselves is something I will always carry in my heart. People have called us soul mates. Perhaps this is true, as it has been said that a soul mate is the person who calls forth your shadow and makes you look at who you are on the inside. You have taught me the art of communication without words. When I was unable to understand, you taught me why there is darkness inside of people and that it is okay to hold tight to it. There are so many Scorpios in my life. You taught me about this mysterious sign, a lesson I have needed, as I am drawn to them, as I was drawn to you. I have witnessed you observing my gregarious nature, as if it were a lesson you were learning. We see in each other that which we hide inside of ourselves. Because of you, I am passionate in regards to my sexuality. A lesson you taught me without ever actually consummating our relationship. You taught me how to love so deeply, in spite of the flaws I may see in my people, and you prepared me for that depth that would enter my life via more November people. Thank you for your generosity. Adrian, you literally saved my life, and that is why I trust you with the decision, should it ever arise, as to pulling the plug. When you saved my life, my life became your charge. You earned my trust like no one else ever has. There are moments in our relationship that stand out so exponentially, I will never lose those memories. Watching me smoke at the bar, talking to everyone around me, as you sat alone in the dark. Our eyes met, and it was at that moment that we both came to know exactly who the other one was. Holding my hand on the flight to Jersey. You bumped us up to first class for my birthday. You took me to the bar where my favorite rock star, and yours, first played to an audience on the shore. We stood together in the cold, observing the Atlantic in Asbury Park. When Bubby died, I died, too, but you brought me home, with whatever it took, no questions asked. You simply offered. You are the most generous man I have ever known, and the darkest, but I fell in love with you the day we met. I knew then I would always love you, and I do. You are the best friend I have ever had. Thank you for our beautiful, deep, passionate and somewhat surreptitious friendship. I love you.
*writing this compelled me to call you. I inadvertently called you parents. Talked to your dad. While talking to your mom, you called her, as I was on the other line. That's magic, Ade. That's what we have. Magic!!!

And briefly, Thank you Lynn, for letting me know that I am the love of your life, Thank you Arley, for teaching me about respect. Thank you Juliana, for being the only daughter of an only daughter of an only daughter of an only daughter of an only daughter of an only daughter of an only daughter of an only daughter. Us gals, we share blood and the power of the craft...blessed be. And Thank you Alan, for teaching me more about myself than anyone ever has. Because of you, I have learned the difference between the heart and the soul and that that means real love lies in the soul and allows us to love people because of their demons.

Love is a blessing that comes from all the things our people give us on our journey, and it lies in our soul, not our heart, not our mind...our soul.

My love letter consists of the people I will never walk away from. Not completely. We make take periodic breaks from our soul people, but when they are in our soul, that is forever.

I love you, from the very depths of my soul...
Blessed be

Deannalynn Arzola